Chitsa

Moving

2005-07-20T01:20:00.000-04:00

I know this is abbrupt but I'm changing my main blog location over to www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=chista87. Please continue to visit I'm not that far off at all.

Stripped

2005-07-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

Christina Arugilera's Last CD. I know. I know. What am I thinking. But seriously. It was suggested to me by a girl I work with who seems to have similar taste in music. Which btw is good taste. Anyway. She burned it for me. And it was meant to be. Every song on that CD so relates to me. About everything. Family drama. Sexuality. Insecurities. Everything. Surprisingly a pretty decent CD. Its all I'm listening to right now. Very motivating. I highly suggest it for my girls.

Keep on Keepin on

2005-07-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

was what a customer said to me during a conversation as I was taking out her groceries. I believe that was spoken from God through her. For at this point in my life that's exactly what I need to do. I've come to the conclusion that I must let go of my father. His constant poison in my life. I just can't take this repeated falling and picking myself back up because of him. Life is hard. And I, in the long run, do not need his extra baggage. His not going to change as much as I would like him to, his not. So my mother discussed with him the conditions on the document for there was a clause made that would allow him to come back and cause trouble again if he wanted. She also asked him to drop health insurance that way there would no more ties that would bind. She did talk to me about everything which helped some of my stress as of late. Still there's the emotions/feelings that come along with having to let go of the only father I've ever known. Since he moved out after the divorce his gradually grown detached and aloof from his only daughter. I on the other hand look at it as holding on to whatever relationship I have left with him. But if I can get through the divorce and the trying relationships I've survived I can survive this. John, my step-father, left a note on my pillow for me to see once I got home from work.

"I want you to know that I think about you, a lot. I want you to succeed with your goals. I will be here, if you want to talk, if you need a hand, or if you need someone to lean on. You have your own goals, and in the end, only you can make them happen. I will just be here to watch with pride, but let me help when you need it."
Your other dad, John
This I know sounds hateful but honestly he doesn't know how to be a father. I see this as a very kind, thoughtful gesture. About made me cry. But one thing he is right about is that it is me that will get me to my goals. I can worry about how things are going to get paid. And how different my life is going to be now. But honestly either way I'm just going to have to deal. I'm just truly thankful i have a mother that gives a damn. No matter how mean I am to her sometimes she still cares. No matter how mean she may be to me she still cares. And that's a God honest blessing. He called earlier today before I went to work and I'm procrastinating from calling him. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to handle it. But its something I must do. Another thing that will only make me stronger.

Truthful but Sharp

2005-07-17T16:26:00.000-04:00

Stephon and I are just friends. Again I have to draw a line between me and another individual of the opposite sex. He is not as intellectual as I would like. We are truly staying friends though, at this point. He does seem to be attracted to me in a more relationship fashion, but that's all just going to have to stop if our friendship is to continue. Tomorrow night we're planning a movie night together, but since I get off at 9:30 I'm not yet sure. Plus, I haven't been quite up to snuff lately. My mother received a court notice in the mail dealing with a hearing between her and my father on the basis of child support. Since I'm eighteen years of age, by Georgia law, he does not have to pay child support anymore. Yes, I am eighteen, but I'm also a student. These next couple of years will the probably the most expensive due to college and the fact that I'm quickly having to become financially independent for when I move out to another college two years from now. It makes me feel like his gradually pushing me out of his life. Funny how he always said that even during high school more than anything he wanted to be a father. A daddy. Yet now that that responsibility is present he again weasels out. Why am I surprised? Or disappointed? Well, sadly enough I never thought he would do it to me. Though I may have serious trust issues due to growing up with the turmoil of my parents I never could fathom my own father not wanting to care for me. I honestly believe that all those years of him showing up for band and calling me to "check up" were total and absolute bogus. Its extreme difficult for me right now honestly. Coping with the thoughts and feelings that are eating at me soul. Though I may be a warrior woman. Even warriors get weary and tired of fighting. Pressing on through the crap to overcome the battle. Its always so hard to pick myself back up and keep going. Only this time I'm also having to watch the bridge burn between a place I once thought of as a oasis (daddy's girl) and my own secluding. It makes me feel all the more on my own. Growing into independence by way of unknowledgeable, irresponsible, deficient parents is definitely worse than growing pains. My mother is reminding more and more of her father in a way she ironically despises him for: saying he/she will do something and never comes through. She said she would put the $1000 towards a car when I was looking to buy one, said she would give my car a paint job as a graduation and birthday gift, said she would buy me a new bookbag for graduation (because I deserved it due to my AP scores)...never once has she mentioned or acted in any way upon these. At all. So much for depending on my mother. How can I believe a word she says now? The woman seems to be fill of crap. Every syllable seems to be just puffs of air for her words are backed up with nothing. Futhermore, that's not any better than my father. The person she hates most on the face of this planet. Completely ironic. School just needs to come and it needs to come quick before I find myself messing up my life because of the truthful but sharp words that will be flying out of my mouth.

Living

2005-07-13T15:30:00.000-04:00

As I replied to Jess, Stephon is nothing special. He is nice. He means well. But honestly his not meant for me. Not even romantically. Sad but true. His not very intellectual either sadly enough. The fact that's his not going to school has a good bit to do with my conclusion. Monday his looking forward to a movie, which is fine with me. But I'm going to have to make things clear with him about how I feel. Obviously. So yeah that's that. At least I don't have a complete stranger staring at me everytime he comes to visit at Publix. The book buying experience was good. It was cheaper than what I had expected. I'm excited though. I'm ready to start. Its funny and kinda pitiful because I won't actually start until August 17. : ( I'm such a nerd. Really I'm ready to meet some new people. Ashley and Jason are the only one's I've really grown close to. Then again Jason has gotten more wired as time goes on. Now that he has a "real" job, doesn't go to school..I don't know maybe its because I don't talk to him regularly..but his sense of humor seems to have gone out the window. I don't about him anymore. Family reunion is this weekend. My uncle Jon is spending the night with us Friday and then my Aunt Susan is spending the night Saturday. Exciting! I love hanging out and catching up with family. I'm really looking forward to it. Hopefully Brad will be there. Last year he and I became pretty close. We had always seen each other but guess he wasn't to interested being that I was always pretty young compared to him. But last year I was seventeen and I had grown up a good bit. So things change. But yeah every year I meet/learn something new about our family. Just seeing the people that look so much like me and act so much like me is the most comforting reassuring experience. I LOVE family. Love. So I work tonight. More later.

Stephon

2005-07-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

That's his name. He used to work at Publix as a bagger but now works at the one in Spout Springs in the Meat department. The first time I saw him and ever since I've notice his unconscience staring problem. Being the curious creature that I am I wanted to know who this person was that occasionally visited Publix to speak with friends and who continued to stare at me each time. Come to find out his a real nice guy who's nickname at my Publix is Steve-O. Hehe. Never did he apporach me but I knew for a fact he liked me due to the discussions I had with mutual friends at work. So. I told Jennifer (a 30 something year old woman who still has a fun crazy side and who likes to be a friend and slight mother figure in her younger friends live's) that I wanted his number. So. Yesterday when I wasn't working and he came into the store they got his number for me. I came in later that night they told me everything that had taken place. So when I got home and settled down I picked up the phone and called. And his the first guy I feel that has real potential. I'm very excited. His a big guy (lifts weights). And we have so much in common. His the first guy I know that is into art. Very surprised. His into sports and working out so that's good for me. Will encourage me. His got red hair. Which I'm partial to. : ) His pretty independent. Pays bills. Works. The only bad thing is his not in school. Because he slacked in high school he doesn't have the HOPE. But he said that it doesn't take too many classes to be a....I forget...some kind of ranger, nature guy. I remember hearing about such a job and that it paid well, but I can't remember the name. Anyway. His potential and I can't wait for our movie date. Either this Friday or coming Monday. Off to go see about some college books.

Total Relief

2005-07-11T16:08:00.000-04:00

Finally a pretty large weight has been lifted off of me. I found out how much HOPE is going to help cover my tuition and books. I mean I knew it would pay for my tuition but as for books and the other expenses I was still clueless, which is a feeling I'm not to fond of. But come to find out everything is paid for. I was beginning to think that I may need to get a second part-time job or postpone putting some $ into my savings with each check, but I'm not going to have to do any of that. I'm truly blessed. It was seriously starting to stress me out there for a second, but thankfully god provided. As always. So needless to say I'm a much happier person. I'm going tomorrow to go buy a book or two or just see how/when exactly I can spend the money awarded to me. Thursday I'm making a long awaited return visit to my hometown. I have to go to get a shot at the health department. For the rest of the day I plan on spending time with my most endearing friends that I miss so much. I can't wait.

Tired and Stressed

2005-07-06T23:51:00.000-04:00

I'm beginning to feel the pressure. I'm suppose to find out about AP scores soon. So much depends on these tests that I took two months ago. So much time and effort is valued upon this single digit number. Its crazy. My job is starting to cut back on hours for everyone. I'm now am working 17 hours next week. With 10% of my budget allotted for college (books) I won't be able to afford them if this continues. So I'm probably going to have to look for a second part-time job. One that will work around my Publix schedule, because even still in the long run Publix is a good job. Then this whole watching what I eat thing is about to get old. Just tonight my uncle Jon calls me and our conversation consists mostly of what I've been eating and my weight. Then I tell my mother after I get off the phone about a food he suggested and why. She, in turn, goes off on me because Uncle Jon was "wrong" in the conclusion that he made about my calorie in take. Its like I'm being hounded constantly by him. Then again when I do need some support and help with discipline my mother doesn't help AT ALL. She even asks if I need a fix. WHAT THE CRAP! I'm already hard on myself when I eat something I shouldn't mentally and emotionally. And when I'm tried like I am tonight it really wears on me. I think about my grandmother and the sickness she endured. I don't want to go through that. I don't want my weight to go to one extreme to the other because of my hormones and my sugar/incline. I'm so afraid of that. Growing old and having the take ten different medicines to feel "normal". I feel like I'm too young to be diagnosed with something like this. I don't feel ready to settle down and monitor my diet. I want to enjoy all the chocolate I want as I did when I was a child without any serious thought and/or consequences. And this med I'm taking now did not work cause I was again too early on my cycle. My breakouts on my face have gotten a little worse while taking the med too. I'm afraid if we up the dosage that will only increase. People who have good healthy genes take them so for granted. This is what I've always worried about growing up: having the same health problems as those that run in my family. I'm just tired and stressed. Not a good combination.

Social Blessings

2005-06-29T13:28:00.000-04:00

Not to leaved those few who visit this site at this point in the dark...my life as of recently has consisted mainly of work. Which I haven't gotten sick of yet, in fact, I know I need to the money and that the job helps me to be more independent so I feel as though I can't and shouldn't conplain. Then again I don't want to complain. I actually love the job so far. As with all jobs there are those that tend to get on your nerves a bit, but in my case the good out weighs the bad. I feel blessed to have such a job. This week has been one of the busiest weeks ever. I don't think I worked this much at GC (golden corral). Yet I don't feel tired yet, or sick of what i'm doing. Though its only been two to three weeks that I've been with this Publix. The friends I've made there are also fortifying themselves in my life as time progresses. Ashley has without hesitation pulled me onto her band wagon. I feel pretty special how easily she's meshed with me. Everytime she does something with her friends she invited me. Everytime. She's crazy and friendly. I really like her. Roby, the gay guy, is also a good friend of Ashley's and everytime he comes to work he makes an effort to smile and say hello. His really nice to me. Makes conversation about things he knows I'm interested. Everything I leave he just has to say goodbye. Very sweet. All of Ashley friends that she has taken the time and effort to introduce to me have been very nice and easy-going. All of them I liked and found to be people I would even enjoy hanging out with and getting to know more about. I can't say enough good things about Ashley at this point. She's the first girl friend I've had since I've moved here. I appreciate everything. I wonder how something so giving, unjudgemental, and perfect could bless by life. I feel like I'm in a phase that I'll evetually move out of but currently am surrounded by. Social life is smooth and consistent. It seems as though it knows what I need and is giving in the right amount of dosage.

Taking it On

2005-06-21T23:45:00.000-04:00

This has to be a fast one cause its late and I need my sleep but its amazing how different I must look at my life now that I'm eighteen. Tonight I got into a fight with my mother again. Only this time I'm eighteen and I was thinking...hey, she could so kick me out and it wouldn't mean a thing. It would be nothing for her. Legally she could do that without any flack. So I think I'm coming to a BIG decision. I'm going to write out all the points that I feel need to be taken care of now that I'm legal. First and foremost my money. All my graduation money, savings, everything is an her account along with all her money. Only she separates through bugeting (she has a bugeting sheet with all my money info on it: deposit, etc. ). As soon as I can find out more details I'm going to open up my own checking and savings account. Make sure she gets whatever is owed to her for my car's tune-up that she paid for against my will. (I FREAKIN TOLD HER i WOULD PAY FOR IT!) Secondly, lay down the specifics on what she will and won't buy as far as my needs. For instance, clothes. If she can/will pay off anything other than food, water, and shelter. And again be specific. Third, that if for any reason she decides to kick me out he must give me a two week notice. I thought about three but I'm not quite sure on what a regular land lord would do. If you know let me know. Fourth, if/when I do get asked to leave the house what can I take with me. For example, the bed, furniture, computer, etc. From here on out I'm makin sure I got my back covered. Cause I know sure as hell that not one single soul on this Earth is going to help cover it for me. Yeah I need friends and yeah its GREAT gettin out and havin fun but life has changed for me and I can't lose my focus. If I want to succeed in my dreams. I can't let some crazy ass B*&^% get me off to a bad start. Even if it is my mother. Its hard to believe people that you want to think love you when really they're just as greedy and selfish as the next dude on the street. So anyway with this I guess you'd say contract I intend for her to discuss and meet up with my requests and sign it in agreement. Cause I'm not playing around anymore. This is my life and I'm not some dumb ass blond waiting to get screwed over. I'm going to set things straight now. So from those few who actually give somewhat of a damn I need to know what you think about this idea? If you could give any useful/helpful advice about banking or anything really else that I might have forgotten please do so. In the mean time I'm saving for college books and gas money. Later.

Christian, Ashley, and Tony

2005-06-21T17:19:00.000-04:00

So Christian is the guy I met at the clothing store Rasberry Beret. He did in fact call back but I was with Ashley and her cus Tony at the time. He was obviously nervous at the time. It was funny. But today he called around lunch and we talked for like two hours maybe more I wasn't keeping up with time really. Anyway his been through a lot with his family and in my opinion is deprived of so much as far as entertainment and having fun. He is defiantly an intellectual type of person. Also enjoys the Romantic Era (Jessica...). Classical and Rock music. Played the tenor sax for a short time in high school but wasn't able to focus on it was much as me (I am a percussionist). We seemed to click though. Seems like there are many deep interesting conversations to be had with him. Though I know that his not the one. I'm not sure if I could even see myself making out with him. I don't know. I would have to be around him more. He is nice so far. Kinda wish he was more athletic. That's the only thing really. But like I said this is still in evolving phase so we'll see. He said that if I'm not working Sunday that he would invite me over to meet his friend Naomi (I think that how you spell it I could so me wrong) with whom he lives and is good friends. So that's that. Ashley the girlfriend from work come to find out has an aunt (who is the hospital in Atlanta because she is paralyzed : ( ) that lives in my neighborhood. So after I got off we spent some time together and during that time I met her cuss Tony who's just a little older than me. His a wanna be bad ass but pretty cool. Kinda weird but for now I'm not analyzing him. Not until I know him better. Until that time I stick with Ash. So yeah they like me a lot. I met her mother, grandmother, and other cus. They all were pretty cool. I might go spend the night at her house tonight. But either way we all plan to spend some more time together and hang out. I'm excited and relieved that I'm meeting some new people. I haven't found someone that feels like home though. But I can wait as long as I have some friends. I couldn't live without them.

Publix People

2005-06-19T19:38:00.000-04:00

So as I had hoped and prayed for I met some new people and potential friends at Publix. First and foremost there is Ashley:19, fake blond hair, blue eyes, little country, sweet smile, very friendly and nice to me. We've exchanged numbers and she called me tonight while on her way to the Atl with her family. Probably to the hospital to visit family there. She is single but has a guy that she broke up with that she still cares about. Then there's Roby who at first glance I thought was cute, but after figuring out his 22 and looking at his teeth I had to pass on the idea of a rela. His a good friend though. Very nice. Likes to talk and kid around. Really cool person. I like him. Then there's Reggie who reminds me of Donovan so much. His such a character. He makes work a vacation. We've grown pretty close so fast. His got my back at all times. His my soul brother. Hehe. Then there's Nathan aka Nat. Who has a very dry sense of humor but means well. Thought he knew me from somewhere but is sadly mistaken. He likes me cause I make him laugh and smile. I loosen him up. He did the same for me on my first day. Told me I was too tense too to loosen up. I appreciate his thoughtfulness and observation. He told me what I needed to hear. There's Amanda who's a floor manager person. Very nice at all times and helpful. Same for Daniel and John (we'll call him John 1 cause there's 2) who does the same job. John 2 is my age I think maybe a few months older. We don't talk really but he is helpful when I need a hand. Then there's Ruby who is an older woman that at first was kinda harsh but is growing to like me. That's pretty much it for now. Otherwise I must say that i'm enjoying my job there. Its much better than Golden Corral. At this point I want to say that I feel as if I was meant to be there.

18th B-day

2005-06-18T20:46:00.000-04:00

So I'm now 18 years old. I've had these same eye balls for 18 years now. That's crazy. Hehe. Nah, but my birthday was alright I guess. I didn't go with Jay to the club as we had planned because he didn't have any money since he spent it all at Six Flags. Yes it is pretty irresponsible. Not only that but I don't think I've ever been as mad as I was yesterday while waiting for Jay to call. That was pretty irresponsible as well not calling ahead of time to make concrete plans for my birthday. Leaving me on the line to wait and wonder. Not cool. But I learned from it and realized that Jay is one of those people that are going to let me down about stupid stuff. And honestly I can only get so close to those kinds of people. The disappointment between reality and expectation is too much for me to bear time and time again. Plus, I'd rather spend my time enjoying more mature people's company. Its really hurt me yesterday to learn and come to terms with this about a friend who I thought was going to be my closest. Someone I could always depend on. Its always difficult to let go emotionally to friends you think quite fondly of. Other than that my birthday was alright. My mom and John didn't plan anything and my mom decided at the last minte not to make a cake. They did accomplish the task of getting gifts which were a set of pearl earrings and necklace, and a digital camera. My dad took me out to the mall. And out of all the things to buy there wanted to buy me a graduation book from B&N. I told him thanks but no thanks. I already have a graduation book and plus graduation is over this is my birthday. So he still has some thinking and buying to do. Jessica owes me a date as well as I owe her a meal. Jay owes me a night out on the town. My mother owes me a paint job on my car. Who knows if any of these things will get done. Honestly the only one I feel sure about is the date with Jessica and her meal. Sadly enough. But hey I'm 18. And as always it goes without notice by a lot of people since its in the summer when everyone is busy doing their own thing.

Hobby Payoff

2005-06-16T22:47:00.000-04:00

So I like to shop. Can't help it. Don't ever put me in a clothing store and expect me not to buy anything. I'm at least going to buy one thing. You can bet on it. So while doing just that today at this cute little store in Gainesville I met this easy going chap. No I do not know his name but he was so sweet. From the moment I stepped in the door he waited on me hand and foot. Its funny because we already have something in common everything he thinks/feels is written across his face. I have that problem as well. Very badly in fact. I blush way too easily. Anyway once I took off my sunglasses this look immediately came over his face. I good look of coarse. He definitely thought I was pretty. Very flattering. He asked me how I was, which was hot. He asked if I would like some water. Went and got it for me and told me where I could refill it. Very thoughtfully. He asked me a little later, giving me time to gather some items, then came and asked if he could put them in a fitting room for me. When I was done and ready to check out he made very pleasant, light conversation. Congradulated me on losing weight* (will get to later). Was a complete gentlemen. And very easy going. Which is a nice contrast to me. Honestly at first glance he wouldn't be my type but after a while he was pretty cute. But no I didn't get his name, number, nada. I have a problem with smoothly, with class, getting across to someone that I like them and getting the information I need to make any kind of step forward. Then again I think a guy should be the one to make the stepping forward move. If you know what I mean. Anyway, I want to know should I go back? And if I do what should I say? Both for if his there and if his not? I need pointers. But about the weight loss. Yes, I for the first time in a while weigh below 130. Before taking this thyroid med I could never get below 130 now I'm 128. And when I tried on pants today at the store a 5/6 was too big in Ralph Lauren jeans. In another brand I also need a size 4. I can't believe I'm wearing a size 4. I have never worn a size 4. Ever. Its great! I'm completely proud, joyous, and pleased with myself. I need one of those moments to just jump up and down with a best bud and squeal I'm so happy about this. Its an absolute breakthrough. I'm definitely going to keep this diet that I'm suppose to be on for my hypothyroid condition up. Its healthy, I feel better about myself, and it works.

Life's upbeat Rhythm

2005-06-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

So I started my job today. It was very busy work. I like it. A lot. At this point. Everyone is helpful. Some nicer than others. But that's to be expected, right? I'm just glad to be working again and hope to get more hours than this week. I just keep telling myself that its because its my first week that I don't have many hours. I mean I only work three days this week. Still, I'll say it again, I'm glad to be working. So yeah this Saturday is my birthday. I honestly am not sure if my mother is planning to do anything. She hasn't said a thing about it. Neither she nor John have given any sign what so ever that they have planned anything. I wouldn't be to surprised if they didn't. Still its kind disappointing since this is my 18th birthday. For years now they haven't done jack squat for my birthday. The fact that I'm going out with Jay afterwards is the highlight of my birthday. What am I going to do all day? I have no idea. Have a regular boring Saturday I guess. Beats the heck out of me. Which really disappoints me. I always hope for the best. Dream up something big when there is no such thing. Wesnesday my Dad plans to take me out to give me my birthday gift which I have no idea what he got me. He hasn't asked me, which he usually does. I know this may sound ungrateful but that probably means that its something I don't really need. I just prefer useful gifts. Who knows I guess I should be more openminded about it. Enough said. So yeah my busy life style is now back I hope to stay.

Godmother

2005-06-13T21:52:00.000-04:00

My week started crazy, very bittersweet. I found out that I'm going to be a Godmother. My best friend for the, god, since kindergarten, is having a baby. Is a few weeks along now. Honestly I haven't thought through the whole situation, but at this point I feel very torn. I feel deeply, passionately, extremely, immensely for Madison. She is such a beautiful creation. I wonderful human being who many people do not understand, but honestly the things and "phases" that she has gone through I admire her all the more for. The fact that she just lives so carelessly. I love that about her. Her dynamic character is why I'm so in love with her. She would be my soul mate if I were gay. Honestly. She means a great deal to me. I love her. Yet this child I see so much potential in. I know that Madison can raise this child. I can't wait to talk and tell that boy or girl how wonderful they are. How much their mother loves them. How they can do anything they want as long as they put their minds to it. To help them prepare for college and starting out financially. To be an aunt is always what I wanted to be and now I am. I can't believe it. I know this is romantizing it way to much, for this is going to hard for Madison. This child is not going to have it easy. As always I just see the positive at first. My hope over rules all the darkness which could easily cover this valley of sunshine. I wish I could take Madison and this child under my wing. Like I've always tried to do as best I could. Only as always I can't. I can only hope and pray.

Health Betterment

2005-06-10T18:59:00.000-04:00

So the doctor told me that there are two things which looked wrong with my to each other as they should. My sugar levels were pretty low while my incline was high. As she said they are acting like a bad marriage and just not communicating as they should. numbers that came back from the lab where I had my blood test. One, that my thyroid looked to be a little too high. Not exactly sure what high in, she explained it but it didn't completely register, so anyway the standard number used to be 5.3 but as of recently its been changed to 3.0, my number is 4.3. So its a little high. Her treatment is leothyroxin in its smallest dosage of 25mcg. Sorry to be so specific but that's just me. Secondly, my sugar and insulin numbers were not reacting correctly. Treatment is diet simply enough. I'm now on this Zone diet. Trying as much as I can to remain vegetarian but sometimes there is no substitute for some of the meals. I go back in 6 weeks to see if this helps. In addition to all that mess I got my hair cut today. And found out I could donate it to Locks of Love as I had originally wanted to, which makes me so very happy more than having it cut. I also got highlights for the first time ever. Never had any type of coloring done before. So now its a bob. With a slight incline towards the face with wispy bangs. I love it. Its very me. Of course its going to take some gettin used to as all totally different hair cuts do, but I'm excited for people to see it. My dad is the first person tonight since his picking me up to go see my grandfather. Hopefully tonight will go well I'm pretty anxious and nervous. Not good that the whole conversation thing when I feel this way but having a hair cut makes it all better. I don't think I could get in a bad mood tonight due to my new glorious hair dresser Carol. About how tonight goes later...
So tonight went as usual for me...a little tense. Naturally I'm more like my grandmother's (mother's mother) side of the family. They just fit who I am better than my grandfather. Knowing that he used to be abusive to my mother and my grandmother doesn't settle with me lightly. Then not seeing or hearing from him since I basically started elementary school its no wonder I don't feel comfortable around him. Yet he is my only living grandparent left. Though I don't think I'll ever get truly close to him because I'm biased. I'll take my grandmother's side anyday. She was a beautiful wonderful kindred spirit. One that I still carry with me everyday. Its ironic for the two women who he despises and has hurt the most are the ones I'm the closest to, the ones I rely on and have an inseparable connection with. Its like he is the enemy but then again his not to me. Its a very difficult situation. I always seem to be put in these situations by fate for some reason. I wish I understood.

X&Y

2005-06-08T20:16:00.000-04:00

The new Coldplay CD is now out! And it is good. I can say so for sure since as of today I own it. How very nice. I know its been out since yesterday but because I don't really keep up with the dates that well I kinda got a late start. But nevertheless, its out, go get it, its hot (as Paris Hilton would say). To me they gotten a little more harder on their rock but in a definite good way. They still have their mellow tunes, and even their sentimental slow sounds. They still have it though. Speaking from experience since I found out about them a looonnnggg time ago. Have both their other CD's. Don't have the Live CD due to the fact that I had every song already on the CD and envied not being able to be at a concert. But yeah. Coldplay ROCKS! But They are coming to Atlanta Wednesday September 28 at the Philips Arena. (Oh and while I'm giving dates of concerts...John Legend is coming Saturday August 6 to the ATL). Enough of that...Tomorrow I go back to the doc to see if this three hour blood test I took last Thursday can help conclude anything about what's wrong with me. Very anxious to know. I'll let ya'll know as soon as I get back and have time to write. That's all that's exciting and new in my life at this point. So have a good evening. Buh-Bye.

Publix

2005-06-06T22:38:00.000-04:00

Well, today I went in for my drug test. Julie the lady that helped me with everything was so nice. She is my kind of girl. I can tell I'll enjoy working there. I came in during the rush hour period and still everyone there seemed happy. Its nice. Saturday I go for my orientation which should be interesting. For some reason I always enjoy the getting your name tag part. Maybe cause it symbolizes that I do, for a fact, have a job. Its personalized. And well its pink since I'm still a minor. And pink looks good on me. Hehe. I like name tags. Anyways, Thursday I'm suppose to call back to see what the rest of my schedule is after Sunday. I'm so happy to be working again. It brings such satisfaction. I'm planning to start cooking again for the family. Been looking at our cookbooks: Weight Watchers Versatile Vegetarian, Weight Watchers Great Cooking Every Day, Weight Watchers New Complete Cookbook, Traditional Irish Cookery, The Grit Restaurant's Vegetarian Cookbook. Now you may ask are you vegetarian? Part-time yes I am. I prefer the vegetarian diet. Don't like beef or pork really. Mostly eat turkey or chicken or fish if I eat meat. So yeah I enjoy cooking. Only when I cook I like to add a little artistic flare to it somehow. Tomorrow I'm planning to bake a apple cobbler (yet a healthy one) and some dried fruit muffins for a treat during this week's breakfasts. I saw a CD the other day that I'd like to have..The Essentials: Miles Davis. I need that. It would be a great addition to my collection. Its funny I got a call from Jason (Oakwood) today. Haven't talked to him in a while. We got on the subject of our love lives and come to find out his really into this girl. Its funny cause all of a sudden it seems like I'm the person to tell all your relationship woes, crushes, and lovely feelings to. Not that I mind. In fact I don't at all. But I just realized how odd things have been occurring lately. Jessica telling me about her break up, Crow about his crush, Jason about his girl. I give good advice. Make them all feel secure in themselves. Reassure them. But again here I am. Relationshipless. Odd. Why is that? As Christy so maturely pointed out we are given things we don't deserve by God. Yet we expect those things which are actually a blessing to have in the first place. Now I did kinda think that I deserved love from someone. But thinking about it why would God not want love for me? I mean I know he does but why wait? I know he does it for a reason...a lesson, I'm not ready, its just not my time. But still I don't completely understand. Hearing all this relationship happiness stuff kinda makes me feel lonely. I'm going to see my grandfather who never talks to me..no christmas card or nothing for the past ten years or more...this Friday. He came to graduation, and now (two and a half weeks later) wants to give me a graduation gift. I'm kinda stressed about it due to what I know about his abusive past, but all I know to do is be nice. Well, thats all thats up for now. Later.

Job & Hormones

2005-06-05T00:25:00.000-04:00

It has been brought to my attention that I need to write more. I plan to take this suggestion into consideration, and make a conscience effort to do so. Hehe. My job interviews went very well. In fact I now have a job! The Publix interview went spectacular. Originally, I wanted to work there because it was clean and I've heard only positive comments made towards the business. They do try to be fair in all aspects of the job and take into consideration many things many jobs do not. For instance, even with a part job I can get insurance and bonuses once I've worked like a 1000 hours which we said was basically a year. Not only that but they work out schedule conflicts. Have job reviews just like "real" jobs do. Give pay raises every Fall and Spring. How nice huh? Old Navy on the other hand is more strict on attendance. The store manager did not appeal to me at all. Attitude was : P. It Though they may pay a little more they do not give as many hours. So I obviously went for the Publix job with 6.50 an hour. In the long run it is better for me. The people are ten times better. Plus, I may be getting a small side job to get a little extra money so yeah its all coming together. Monday I have to fill out some paper work and do a drug test. The 11th is my first official day of work. So yay! I'm very happy to be working again. I can't wait. A little nervous but I know I'll be just fine.In an earlier post entitled Moody(Caution: Males) I wrote about birth control for my irregular periods as of late, moodiness, and breakouts. Well, the update of all that mess is this..Friday I went to my first O-B-G-Y-N (who by the way I love) to figure out what was going wrong and if something was wrong with me. She asked a lot of questions about family after hearing what problems I have been experiencing. Explained to me how the whole system works in dealing and producing hormones and all the opinions that may be making me have short frequent periods. Actually there are many different reasons as to why that could be occurring but we concluded (that least I think we did) that I'm not ovulating. Its crazy! I would explain but I'd probably screw it all up but believe me its just plain amazing what's happening inside me. So yeah the first step in weeding out the opinions was Saturday when I had to get blood taken. And not just once either. OOOHHH no. I had to get up at 6:00 in the morning, not eat anything, be at the lab at 8:00, stay there till 11:00 and have my blood taken every hour on the hour. This was to test my glucose tolerance. I guess tolerance is the right word. Anyway, it was not fun having my left arm poked into in the same spot three times, but I made it. The first time she took blood she did it out of both arms rather than the regular one and afterwards I came very close to fainting. I felt myself get very weak, pale, and then I broke out in a slight cold sweat. Thanks goodness she gave me the glucose and after about 10 min I felt sooooooo much better. I go back this Thursday I believe to see if what she thought to be the culprit is correct. If not I go to get an ultrasound to see if I have PSO (I think that's the abbreviation) or a heart shaped vagina or is it cervix I'm not quite sure which is something your just born with. So I'll updated you more on that after Thursday's appointment.Funny, driving home Saturday my cell phone started to ring. I waited until was in the garage before I checked it, thought it was going to be my mother, but to my surprised it was Nick T. who was seeing if I was back from Florida. *For those who don't know Nick asked me on a date earlier in the year but do to minor conflicts it didn't work out. Oddly enough he never said anything after that to plan again so on yearbook day I was jokingly picking at him about it. In response he said "well what are you doing this weekend?" This time I had conflicts due to graduation and family. The next weekend I told him I was going to Florida. Then I had job interviews right after coming back. He said ok and that we would get in touch later.* Now honestly I'm not really interested in the boy. I mean his a good friend and I wouldn't mind dating him but right now a commitment is not what I want. I want a friend who is kind to me and knows how to have fun. My mother and I had a conversation about things I want in a person while on the way back from my Aunt's this evening and I must say that I've come up with a pretty reasonable, mature list. If you want to know just ask but i won't bore you with the details. Its funny cause my mother says that from her standpoint she would prefer me just date for a while just so I can have some experience and get to know what I seriously want in a person. Yet I think I have a pretty good list already, but as she says there's still a lot I have to learn. Which there probably is but still I'm proud of myself for being mature and observant enough to think about such things. Ok, so both stories coming together now...Nick in this last and second phone convo came off pretty immature. I can honestly say that I immediately was not attracted to him in any way. Sadly enough I don't think going to work out. Still it was nice of him to make the effort and call. It gave me a slight high to know that someone thinks of me fondly. As I told my mother earlier its funny that before I was jaded that high would last for days and now it last for maybe an hour and then I'm back to reality. The whole blindness of "love" dissipates faster now. I think of things with more maturity...more clearly. While visiting my OBGYN she talked about how it would nice to be able to tell our bodies when to ovulate so that we may have a baby when we felt like it. She said that science is now going into the study of whether psychologically ovulation can be affected. My mother says her theory is that due to me being deeply hurt in love that my hormones now act differently. That before those highs would last so long because my hormones would kick in and that natural sensuality of being a woman told my body to ovulate. But now since those highs don't last long "due to being hurt in love" my hormones aren't kicking in as much as they need to or usually do resulting me not ovulating. The Doc said that's a field she wants to go eventually go into and get her PhD in. That whole psychological factor. Pretty cool. So I hope that was enough Crow. I'll write later. Night.

One of those nights

2005-05-30T22:46:00.000-04:00

...where I wish I had someone to call. All my friends work. I would call Ric but we're not that close anymore. He has a pretty steady girlfriend. And drama just is not my thing. I don't like to make people feel insecure. I would call Jessica but its late and it would just be stupid. Its like when you have a craving for a certain flavor of ice cream. For me that would be chocolate. More than likely. Well, tonight I'm having one of those cravings to have one of those long in depth conversations with a guy. Why? Cause I'm a girl whose kinda lonely and bored and wants to feel that butterfly feeling again. Only there is no one I know I can call. I know no guy that I can call at 10:35 at night. I know this is a probably a ridiculous feeling but never the less it is driving me a little bit up the wall. Funny the only person that comes to mind is you-know-who. Yes, still, I know. I know. Its been like a year or so. I know. But man that's the last time I can remember me feeling that way. Still, even though I despise every blood cell in his body everytime I saw him at the concerts and reminisce those butterflies spring out again. One of the major questions that I keep asking myself is...Is there someone out there that I will feel that way about again? If so, when? ....(after a few minutes thought) What is it going to take? How many more lessons do I have to learn? What am I missing? ...(moving to poetry/prose/whatever comes out)...

Post Graduation

2005-05-28T19:03:00.000-04:00

So I'm back from Florida. Wish I had never left. I LOVE Florida and most of all I love my uncle. His the greatest person on this Earth that I know. I'm going to miss him so very much. Time seemed normal while I was down there. Now that I'm back time has that odd feeling as it did before/during/after graduation. Life seems to be floating. I feel lost. Like time is slipping by and I'm missing something. Like I'm late for something important. The moment I started walking towards the stage it was like time stopped and was suspended in space. Even more odd a person can only observe these things for themselves they don't experience the same feelings while watching someone else walk across. Its crazy.

I have two job interviews Wesnesday and Thursday. One with the local Publix, and if they agree to pay me 7.00/hr with the extra dollar on Sunday I'll definately be getting the job there. If not I more than likely will be sticking with he Old Navy job. The second interview is the last one for Old Navy to say if I have the job or not. So yeah I hoping to have a job by the end of the week if not sooner. I need to be busy. It might help this time feeling thing.

Florida was fun. We went to Bush Gardens. Got to ride the new roller coaster that just opened last weekend. Visited my great aunts. Got more graduation gifts. Went to the beach of coarse. Several times. Scoped out guys the entire time. Believe me my uncle and I love scoping guys. Its a hobby. JK. We went to Mykak (I think thats how you spell it) State Park, the largest state park in Florida. Fun. Swimmed in his pool a lot. Went shopping. Went to the bank and looked at his treasured jewelry collection. Took those popular beach pictures with the white clothing. Fun.The entire time my uncle continually old me thoughtful, kind things about how he loved me, about my grandmother and how I'm like her (we love her very much, were the two closest people to her), and what a great girl I am. His great. His really a wonderful person. So is Travis. Travis showed his funny personality quite a bit this trip, and his loving side too. I love those two so much. Uncle Jon said he would see me again sometime this summer while his traveling all over Georgia visiting.

As I asked my Uncle Jon...if I'm such a well rounded person then where is the guy? Thats the only thing that I feel I'm missing. Yet I don't feel I can truely start my life until I move out. Not until I'm supporting myself in every way will I be able to openly fully share my life. My mother is a little restricting I feel. I could be wrong. But I don't think so. Plus, I want a puppy. And I know for a fact that not until I'm living in my own will I be able care a living thing, such as an animal. For if I get one it will without a doubt be my full responsiblity. I don't want to mother nagging at me about having to help pay out money to care for it. I want to be able to handle it myself. Funny how I just started my "free" life and I'm already wanting that next chapter in my life.

Graduation Plans

2005-05-17T21:15:00.000-04:00

So my uncle is flying up tomorrow for my graduation. How exciting! I have to look good tomorrow. Most definitely. Need to clean a little and wash my car and I'll be good to go. Jay will come and eat dinner with us as long as he doesn't have to work. And I got more graduation presents today. I don't mean to brag but I'm just so excited...so I got a Paris Milano purse-crocodile skin look/mauve color/beautiful inside/just plain elegant and classy..very me, some artistry products which smell addictively good, a fine silver dollar coin in the year 2005 which is around a $60 dollar value, $50, a graduation book-very good as a matter of fact, and a walmart gift card. Plus some very kind, emotional provoking cards. They were all very nice. Last night I got one from my dad, which was very thoughtful and beautiful...a diamond heart necklace. And he said that it represents that I have his heart with me no matter what, so I always will know that my daddy loves me. How very sweet. But as the title suggests...plans. After graduation I was wondering what everyone as planning to do. I know I can go to Jay's cousin's party, but other than that I'm was wondering what ideas anyone might have. If it rains my uncle and I are going to have a night out. Just the two of us. Which should be fun. I can't wait. I only wonder if it would bother him to go to a party with me. He said no but I still wonder. I enjoy him so much I don't care if he goes with me. He still is young and lively to me. The older mind set has taken him over. btw-crow is a regular commenter to my blogs and I of his for about a month now I think. His very intellicual and kind. I suggest checking out his blogs..especially the one with poetry. His very talented. Oh, and crow..one question...how do you know my last name? Later.

Update

2005-05-16T00:04:00.000-04:00

Besides the entire morning being filled with my B*&^%y mother and offended uncle. I had a pretty good day. My first driving experience ever was ok. It wasn't ideal because it was rainy and cool. But there will be sunny days in the future so...The dinner at Mrs. Phillips's house was so much fun I truly enjoyed it. I'm going to miss her so much. Now that I have an idea where she lives I would like to go and visit her every now and then. She is such a Southern Bell. Seeing everyone tonight. It just seemed like I hadn't seen them in a while. I felt kinda odd towards all my girlfriends I'm not sure exactly why. No, I know why. I didn't hang out with ya'll as much cause ya'll mean more to me and I just can't handle the thought of spending time with ya'll knowing that in few days our strong bonds will quickly lessen. Knowing that I'm going to move on with my life quite a lot since I don't live in Winder anymore. I'm afraid I'll get out of the loop on everyone's life. The meaningful convo's will become nonexistent. I live for those moments with ya'll and soon they will be no more. Why do you think I ate so much tonight? Fear and sadness. Sadly enough I still wish Sam would have came. Just to see his face one more time up close and personal. See him smile. TJ let me know tonight what he had said after I had asked him prom. TJ wouldn't just come out and say it but it wasn't good he said. Said for me not to worry about it, which I'm not I'm over that whole serious crush thing. Still I just wish I could have seen him. But things happen. Well I need to do a couple more things before bed. Later.

One step at a time

2005-05-15T01:12:00.000-04:00

Today has officially been a good day. I am now a licensed driver. Thank god. My interview at Old Navy went well I'm going back Monday to shadow several people and depending on how busy the general manager's schedule is at the time I might be able to fit in my last and final interview that tells me if I got the job or not. Hopefully I do have the job and hopefully they'll pay me well. I had emotional break down before going to the Spring Concert. All my emotions came spilling out. My mom didn't help AT ALL by pushing me to talk about it nor threatening to not let me go to my last performance because of my "disrespectful attitude". I'm still in high disagreement about that, but I've let it go since I really can't do anything about it, and holding on to it doesn't make my life any easier. My dad did come to the concert. It was awkward and that's the way things are going to be for a while, for things are not the same anymore. I'm not going to be played to fool anymore. It will take some time to get used to this new approach I'm taking, but I feel it must be done for my own well-being. Moving on to happier things. Tonight I extremely enjoyed having dinner with my favorite aunt, Aunt Annelle, and her husband, Uncle Jerry. Their gift was most generous and so very thoughtful. I simply enjoyed spending time with them. Talking about everything new going on in my life. Laughing about silly memories and things. And I loved being able to show them the Year in Review DVD from this last year in band. They loved it. And I must say that its as satisfying as watching a movie only its thirty minutes. Its so sentimental, and as Aunt Annelle said its priceless. You know I just realized I was planning to go back to Winder Monday. I have some things I need to rap up at school. Mmmm...need to work that out. BTW I finally found a dress to wear to graduation and I'm going to look great. Oh, I've went down a size in pants. Now a size 6 again. Also got a graduation gift from my mom while shopping at Marshall's a Baby Phat leather jacket. Its Paris Hilton Hot. Hehe. I wish its was cool so i could wear it. Still, it fits to a T. Today has been perfect. Tomorrow is going to be work. Clean and wax all cars. And drive myself to Mrs. Phillips's house for dinner. First time driving on my own. I'm scared.

Out of my mind

2005-05-12T11:04:00.000-04:00

Bored! Extremely about to go crazy bored. Now that we're doing absolutely, positively nothing in the world in Calculus I'm about bored out of my mind. For an hour in a half I'm wasting away doing NOTHING! Give me something to do. Please.

Life's Lessons

2005-05-11T08:12:00.000-04:00

So my dad and I got into it Sunday afternoon. I told him everything, up front, about how I'm tired of being the adult in our relationship, and how I'm going to begin this new chapter in my life with nothing dragging me down. I can't deal with that baggage right now. Not with all the responsibilities I'm having to face. Told him not to come to graduation if he was going to bring anything to the table. Anything at all. This hurts me to let go of him, cause I've always been a daddy's girl, but enough is enough. But I'm surpressing these feelings for now since this is such an exciting, one-in-a-lifetime moment for me. Its hard. My mom and I had a mother/daughter convo Monday evening and got some things out in the open. Jay has brought it my attention that I'm too mean to my mom, so I've been analyzing it, and I've come to the conclusion that yes I should try to be nicer but I also feel as though is coming from a very naive stand point, for he does not have to put up with as much as I do from his mom. Sorry but I know he doesn't. Still our convo proved to be for the better and I think it helped.

God I can't believe how time is flying. Why? Why won't it slow down for just a second. The prom pictures I see around me seem to soon to be developed. I'm still reminiscing about that night. But it seems time does this for a reason. Why I'm not sure. Not sure I'll ever know.

So...

2005-05-04T21:25:00.000-04:00

two posts in one day. Kinda odd for me but I have a lot to say and I'm not as busy since its the end of the school year. I called Cody, and his not interested. "Just hangin out and gettin to know different people. Just having fun." Which is perfectly fine. I understand. Just not exactly what I want right now. So end of that episode. As Jay said "next!". Hehe. jk. The job search is now on hold. I called Old Navy and they said they would call me to set up an appointment if my application looked good to the managers. So I must wait. Panera Bread said they are still looking at applications and doing interviews but they would call me and let me know. So again i must wait. Good news, Mrs. Bogans's husband is transferring to a different Publix (his a manager), and more than likely its going to be the one in Oakwood right down the street from Gainesville College so at the moment that seems to be the best bet. Only he won't know for sure where's transferring or even be transferred until the end of the month. His gotta wait until his assisting manager gets back from vacation to do anything. So either way I must wait. So if you don't already know Coldplay's new single is out and as always its HOT! I can't until June when the album comes out (X&Y). Perfect timing (my birthday, 18th). Oh, and guess who decided to talk to me today. Mr. AP (keeping his name under wraps for privacy, but his the guy I was crushing on before Cody). I mean he actually started conversation on his own. Just me and him. Different. Awkward. But I'm happy about it. For some reason I really wanna get to know him. I'm curious. I know its weird. But just as friends, seriously. Though I will probably always feel embarrassed cause in the back of my mind I still think his handsome. My mom is still the same. Still stressin me. I stayed after school as always. Visited Mrs. Bogans, Ran/walked a little, Then I went back to the band room to visit the drumline rehearsal going on. Man, it excites me just hearing them practice. I know I've already expressed myself on this, but I'm deeply going to miss marching bass. Some of the best years. Well, I'll stop now. Gonna add on to my sub-blog since its been a while.

Yeah....

2005-05-04T11:11:00.000-04:00

um, I'm bored. And a little sad. My mom has been acting like a complete B both a B*&^%$ and a baby. I have no idea what's wrong with her, but its really stressing me. Like it always does. I can't wait until next Saturday when I'm going to get my license. Its about dang time. Then I can get a way from the stress and wrath of her. She canceled her scrapebooking thing Saturday, for something she didn't have to cancel. Which is not my fault. In fact I have absolutely no control over that. Yet as always I'm the one that must be on her toes to not make her more mad than she already is. And since I've gone out the past two weekends in a row I can't go out again this weekend otherwise she might have cow. So now I have all Saturday to deal with a B(*&^$y mother who demands she have respect when doesn't give it. UGRRRRRRRR! Anyways. Then there's this Cody thing. I know everyone is sick and tired of hearing about it but still. I WANT A GUY! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF BEING ALONE. I WANNA HAVE SOME FUN! Darn it. Had to vent my frustration. So I'm gonna go eat some more here in Cal. and talk about party plans for this class. More later.

AP test and Cody

2005-05-03T21:11:00.000-04:00

So yeah one AP test down and one to go. Though Thursday's AP Lit test is really no problem to me. I feel ok about it. If not then I don't. The year is practically over for me. I'm just enjoying being a senior and spending time with my friends. Today I got to see next year's drumline announced, and I'm excited for Caitlin (don't know if I spelled her name correctly) Hennt...Because she got the bass she wanted. Secretly i wanted her on second bass too. That's the number one thing I'm going to miss. Bass drum. Playing on the line. Hearing the line warm up and the bass runs. I love that as simply as it sounds. And here she is living out the same enjoyment. Loving it as much as I do. She's in for it though three new people, and Kelly who was in pit last year. Tons of patience and "slavedriving" and she'll get the line there, maybe. I would like to think so. I pray Emily will make this line shine like its done the passed few years. That people start stepping up and surprise the heck out of me when I come to visit. But yeah the whole Caitlin thing has got me very happy. I'm extremely proud to pass my title, bass, and personal enjoyment of playing bass down to her. I would like to think I had something to do with it. But I know that what makes it even sweeter is that it was meant to be.

So yeah I have to get my guy talk in for the day. The whole Cody thing. No Jay hasn't called him for me like said he would. And no I'm not going to ask him to cause if he really wanted to he would have already done it or offered to again. And no I'm not going to call him, cause I'm not even sure his interested. No that's stupid. But yes i'm still interested and curious and wish I knew how everything stood. But, I don't...and I'll probably very kindly bring it up again to Jay tomorrow I'm not quite sure. I wish hw would call that would solve everything. But I wish a lot of things...doesn't mean they all come true. I talked today before the test with Sara about Cody and she laughted didn't say much that was constructive, just made fun of him and his cute stupidity (that is in my opinion).

Oh, update on job search. (Again.) Been interviewed by Panera Bread, called today , and have to call tomorrow, but other than that it sounds all good. Still going to be looking for a higher paying job but either way I need one so..I'll take whatever for now. I really wanted the Old Navy job but they haven't called liked they said they would so I'll call tomorrow to check on that. Then there's Publix. Brain suggested Walmart, cause in Winder his getting paid pretty nicely for just starting, but it seems like such a pain all the crap you have to do in the beginning. But he made a good point when he said that I'll have to do that for any big size company that pays well. Then there's always my dream of being a waitress, but I can't do that unless I'm 18 sooo..Panera for now.

Drama and excitement

2005-05-01T11:56:00.000-04:00

Jay came over and spent the night Friday, and drove me around and supported me as I went and filled out another round of job applications. This time I have a better feeling about getting a job than last. Only this time I need to call back to the places I applied, and beg for a job. That night, or rather last night, we went to his cousin's party. Yes I did drink a little. No I did not get drunk. It was vodka with sprite and it tasted like meds. Ugh! But I drank a little anyways. His whole family was so nice to me. I enjoyed meeting all of them. You can tell Jay is a great person just by the way he treated them and made them feel special. Cody, the guy I met at the after-prom party, said he would call back Friday when we talked but never did. Last night it was bugging me and Jay backed me up on the idea of callin him and seein what was up and where he was at the time. So I did. And one thing led to another, and in thirty minutes he was over there. Didn't stay for too long, but I can understand why. Everyone was slowly starting to leave. I tried to make conversation, but I was tired and nervous and had no idea what to say. I felt/feel stupid. Honestly, I wanted to kiss and have him hold me cause its been so long since I've had that. But again Ms. Shy had to hold back from making any type of move. He made the excuse that he had to run back home to give his brother's phone back, and that he would come back later. Yeah right! Jay's friends that had come along were getting ready to go home so we took one back to Winder, and to make sure we didn't miss him I gave him a call. He said that he was hangin out with his brother (sounded apprehensive) and that he would call when he was leaving. Again never called. So, needless to say, I was down the rest of the night. Jay could tell, and said that me bein sad was makin him sad. We talked on the way to takin his other friend home and at first he said I should call him tomorrow and ask him straight up if he was truly interested or not, because if he wasn't he needed to tell me instead of sayin he'll do things then back out. Then later, while driving me home, he turned down the radio and we talked about it. He offered to call him and talk to him, and at first I wasn't so sure. I've had people do that for me before and it never works out for the best in the end. He reassured me that he wouldn't ruin anything for me, and that he was different than most about this type of thing. Jay also seems to be sensitive about things like this and understand where I'm coming from. So I gave Jay his number and he said he would call me today before he called him. Just to give me a head's up. Honestly, I don't think anyone has understood be better. Not just about relationships but as to who I am. Jay has been nothing but kind, thoughtful, and understanding towards me for quite a while now. Most people only do it until things are comfortable between the two of you, and then they act like their rude, insensitive, mean selves. But even when I got in a little tiff with my mom and John he remained cool and collected, even made me laugh, which is what I needed. Sometimes I think partyin with Jay might be a bad thing for my future, but then again when I wake up this morning and feel like "yeah, I had a great time" and know that I have a great friend who not only knows what bein and friend is but acts upon it, I can't help but think that its all good. Havin fun and getting out with him is not a bad thing. Just in proportion. Like everything else in life. Still, the whole Cody thing kinda hurts, cause I am (not as much as before) interested in him. Which is weird cause he is kinda small. As I told Jay, once you've been hurt pretty bad even the little things seemed to be magnified somewhat. But I have to study and finish a paper, and run over to Panera Bread, a potenial job, so may everyone be blessed this Sunday and have a glorious day.

Immediate Darkness

2005-04-28T22:25:00.000-04:00

Well, he called today. Honestly, I was beginning to tell myself not to get my hopes up cause I had the feeling that he wasn't going to call. The jaded pessimist in me would not allow me to be hurt again over something so stupid and ultimately trivial. But my hopes were quickly restored when I just so happened to look at my phone after getting out of percussion ensemble practice, and it read "1 missed call". And when I called the number to see who it was and the voice mail said, "Hey this is Cody ____" I instantly pressed the red end button and my once stable, clear perspective was in immediate darkness. Its funny how easily I get excited and swept away. I'm told its ok, because that's what makes liking someone so much fun. But for me it also is what makes it so dangerous. I just can't get hurt. Its hard to open yourself up and be honest without being somewhat cold, but then again also not be naive and allow yourself to be put in the position to get hurt. Just saying that last sentence makes me come to the conclusion that you have to put yourself in that position. To be truly and genuinely open to a relationship with someone no matter what type you have to put yourself in a venerable position.

He is nice though. Some things he asked me kind of concern me. Such as when talking about my new house he asked if it was big. As if it mattered what size house I lived in. I can tell his definitely one of those somewhat spoiled preppy dudes, yet for what I can tell at this point, and my natural sense to look for the good in people, he seems to be one that can gradually open up to less superficial ideals, I guess you would say. Oh and his name is Cody. Finally got it right. Only I'm still not sure if I'm spelling it right just yet. He plays golf, tans, is not a virgin I presume, and says he doesn't drink any more but I eventually got him to admit that "Yeah right" he probably would drink again. He also smoked at the party, but he seemed to honestly say that he doesn't do tobacco products. That he can't remember smoking and that he did it in the past, and must have done it in a subconscious "What the hell" type of thing. He seems pretty cool. Asked a lot of questions about me, and of course that is a topic I could never get tired of. Still, the more important thing to me is to get to know him. Yet in my immediate darkness I lose all sense of logic and have no idea what I need or want to ask. Oh! And he did ask about boyfriends, If I had one, or when was the last time I had one, why we broke up and why I intentionally didn't want one during this past school year. All of which most of you already know about so no need to elaborate. The most scary part to me out of all of this is that I also seem to lose sense of my foundation. My wants and needs. I have to keep telling myself what my dad said about "friendship first is best" and all the things I need in a guy right now. For instance, he tans. I don't. I prefer my white, milky, slightly freckled, Irish skin. Honestly I do. I think white skin is beautiful. Yet because of him tanning and my previous curiosity about spray tanning I'm seriously thinking about doing it. Jay said that he thinks I would look pretty with a tan, and the crazy, experimental side of me says "what the hell, try it", yet the sensible, graceful, elegant side of me says keep your skin the way you have always preferred, less trouble anyway. That if he truly
likes me he'll like my white skin just as much as I do. Its crazy how self-conscience I begin to feel. I asked Jay should I try to lose some more weight. He said no that I looked fine. I'm glad I made the list to the side. Cause as I read it my foundation gradually comes back. Its a strong, helpful reminder. I see some light again. Thank goodness. Now I need to think about what to quiz him about.

Bored and unthoughtful

2005-04-26T14:50:00.000-04:00

I'm going to leave one of those unthoughtful just writing to entertain myself blogs that I try to stay away from writing. I know that its more interesting to write less and more thoughtful than writing about crappy off the wall, immature subjects very often. So here I am with Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" single in my head. Oh, that reminds me I haven't practiced singing in a while. I mean I sing every now and then but I used to spend an hour or so every day in my old house after school practicing. I miss that time. It always made me feel revived and content. Now I never have that time to myself. My favorite one to sing to, that made me work on my range and air usage was Mariah Carey MTV Unplugged CD. That was a performance I wish I could have attended. Just listening I know that it was one of her best performances. I'll forever be a fan. I know of all artists why her? I think because I can relate to her. (I know duh why else would you like her.) But the fact that she's mixed and has to deal with both getting along with blacks and whites is one way I feel I can relate. No I'm not mixed but I feel in my heart I am. I feel like I could be any race. That I could mix within any of them. I think I'm a dynamic person like that. I have many different interests and ideas that I believe allows me to understand a range of different people. Of course there's her music, and I must say that regardless of what I'm going through its just so soulful which touches my heart. R&B is my music most definitely. Its like the voice I never had. The one I'm too shy to reveal. Its like because I'm white, preppy, a virgin, and give off this goody too shoes air that I could never possess that kind of side. But I do you guys, I do. That's all I got for now.

Senior Prom

2005-04-24T22:27:00.000-04:00

OMG! I had the best time of my life. Jay was the most polite, fun, just-plain-perfect date that I have ever had. I don't know what I would have done without him. He is my hero. In fact, its crazy how our relationship has evolved. We've become really close which is nice cause his a true friend through and through which is rare. I love him. His great. Prom was GREAT! We rode in a Hummer-V on the way down and a party bus on the way back up. Absolute style! From reactions I looked amazing, and I felt amazing too. It was all too perfect. We were on the top floor of the building in Atlanta, and the view was spectacular. The DJ got better as more people got there, but at first he was playin stuff that I had never heard of. As time went on everyone including myself got down on the dance floor. Man, if Jay and I danced more often we could cut a rug for sure. We were awesome. Craziness! Madison, Jessica, TJ, Noel, Sara, Heath, Donovan, everyone including their dates looked good. Everyone was HOT! The party afterwards was where the highlight of the night occured for me. It was at this girl's house that I could point out but have no idea what her name is. It was a "popular kids" party, but regardless everyone was friendly. Really now that I think about it different people were there, but more of the "popular" crowd. Anyways, the highlight was that not only did I get hit on by this HOT, HOT, HOT guy but I gave him my number. I mean this is one of those tall guys that you look at but never in a million years think that they would make the first move to you. OMG. He did. At first he was just eyeing me, then he came up and tried to get me to ask him to dance (which was not going to work if he wanted to dance he was gonna ask me). Later he worked himself over near me, had his back to me dancing with another girl then all of a sudden he turned around and BAM! he was so dang close. My goodness he can dance I mean really for a white guy um he had it going on. The whole time I'm tryin to play it cool and not easy. But later Jay said that I needed to give him my number (at first I disagreed cause he was drunk and didn't seem like my type but Jay conviced me to give him a try on the basis that you never know unless you try, its prom its party "just do it", and not all bad people drink) so we wrote it down, but I just couldn't get the nerve to drop it in his pocket. Later when we were just chillin a girl asked me to come dance with her (totally wasted) and Jay gave me this look like "you better go". So I went. This guy started dancing with me (could not dance) and Mr. Hottie was in front of me dancing with someone else, so I zoned everyone out, walked up, pulled his pocket open, and dropped it in, slowly turned to walk away, took two steps, and he graps my hand. YES! Touch down! And we talked from there. God man his nice and honest. Sweet. But that's how they all seem at first. So yeah I'm totally hooked on this guy cause well his the hottest thing that I've ever had approach me which is quite nice for a change. Graduated Apalachee last year, works at Hollister at the Mall Of GA, tall (I mean tall), medium build, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, nice smile, and he likes to hold my hand (the whole time we were standing up talking he held it, both times). Man I hope he calls. I'm totally twiter-pated (think thats how you might spell it, not sure, horrible speller, pardon me). Well, school tomorrow. Much love. Hope to leave an update later.

Delayed Update

2005-04-21T17:27:00.000-04:00

I'm going to do the right thing and not blast his or anyone else's name to the public. All I want out there is that I wish you could have know me before everything fell apart. Though you'll never see this nor have any desire I wish you could know that I still think of you fondly. As for the other individual you hurt my feelings pretty bad. Though you may not be able to see where I'm coming from now I would hope that after you've loved and been hurt that others would have grace and understanding enough to not treat you the way you have me. That you would eventually learn what being a true friend is because quite honestly I don't need your crap. I have my education to worry about, college, finding a job, and making new friends here, so believe me when I say that it may hurt me for a time to burn the bridge between us, but I have survived much worse, and like I said I don't need your crap. Wanna a friend be one. I'm going to leave it at that. Period.

AP Cal is going great at this point. Two weeks away right now and I'm a little nervous and anxious, but that's normal for me. The great news is that I was the most improved out of the entire class this past test. All I need is 11.5 more points until I'll be making a 4 which was my goal. Mrs. P hasn't finished grading the last part so we're both hoping that will push my score up the needed about of points. Its very exciting! Thanks Heather P for the congrats. Very thoughtful.

Prom is tomorrow. I hope everything goes well. Hope to have bunches of fun and dance and sing the night away. Its funny last night I was in the shower and I was thinking, "Wow one more day until my senior prom. My last prom. My prom. I can't believe it." I also starting thinking about the fact that I won't be in band anymore. I won't have the luxury of playing with this group or performing with them anymore. The atmosphere in the band room is another home to me. All the memories that have taken place. The blood, sweat, and tears that have been shed. The two greatest men that have been the best father figures in my life. I spend more time with them than I do my own father. They influence me and teach more than any other father figure that I live with. They are the two greatest people in the world to me other than my mother. They believe in me, encourage me, and indirectly inspire me. They've heard it from every senior class. The same words over nad over again. Sometimes I don't think they realize the extent that they touch people. They go through so many students I'm sure they lose sight of the big picture sometimes. Never again in my life will I ever have the experience that band has provided me. It is the ultimate safe haven , muse, outlet, blessing, luxury, home, and parental guidance in my life. It may have it's rightful flaws but nothing will ever come close to my band.

Moody (Caution: Males)

2005-04-16T01:17:00.000-04:00

This past week has been tough. 1) First week back from spring break. Haven't caught up on my sleep or even want to go back. 2) Senioritis (think that's how you spell it) is starting to set in. Only on small simple things though. I'm not in the mood to waste my time anymore. I'm ready to get out and do other things. Start working again. 3) I'm PMSing. I can tell. My face has broken out so bad which really sucks cause I usually have good skin. My mom and I have been talking and sooner or later I'm going to go get a check-up and this time we're going to talk about birth control. Not for sex cause I plan to remain a virgin for quite a while, but for my moodyness and breakouts and more regular periods. The only thing that bothers me about this is I gotta get checked out in the most private of places. And I'm sorry but that just doesn't fly to easily with me. The past few days I've gone to heck no! to well I guess cause I really wanna see if it works cause if it does then I'd would feel soooooo much better. (Girls you understand). Plus, I would it the whole been checked out thing over with. My mom said she would even do it with me. I mean not at the exact same time or even with me in the room but she would do it in support of me and for herself. I thought that was kinda nice, reminds me of friends going to get their breasts checked for cancer together. Sweet. So we'll see. I need sleep and time is ticking so later.

Companions

2005-04-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

Tonight was tons of fun. My cheeks definitely got their excerise due to all the smiling and laughing. Jason and Jay, though way two different people, are so much fun to hang out with. I feel bad that Jason was so tired though. Sometimes I think that just because he wants to be older and get out on his own that his missing out by not acting his age and still giving in to the young silly moments. Maybe that's just tonight and from what little I've heard lately, nevertheless its always good at any age to still be able to play and have some fun. Jay man can make me laugh constantly. His truly a great person that I'm sincerely blessed to know and be a friend to. It seems for our future friendship there is more to come, which is quite exciting. Same with my future in general. Still....

Riding in the car on the way home I was thinking, "I don't want them to leave" and "You know this is sad. If only I had someone that genuinely cared about me that I could be with for a bit longer. To cuddle, kiss, and talk sweetly to. I mean here I am with two guys for cryin out loud. What kind of girl goes out with two guy friends on a Friday night to have dinner and movie (which was Hitch again...I had to make them see it). I'm starting to think that I need to have somebody not so much that I want somebody. Yet I want that somebody to need/want me as much as I want/need them. In other words that guy needs to approach me. That guy needs to come out of the shadows and say something fresh and original. He needs to be a friend to me. He needs to have my back and take care of me. He needs to understand me. You know where the ^&*( is he exactly? That's my question! And why is it that I keep thinking about my first love? Huh? Why is it that I daydream about that night on the football field? Introducing myself to his mother because he wouldn't? That hug? And Jay tells me..."You know they think about us just us much as we think about them". Honestly? I wonder if its true. And even if it was why would someone go through their life thinking about someone like that and not say something? I mean say the things that really need to be said. Not some lame a** bull &*^% but the things that the heart needs to hear. This whole love thing is so beyond me. Sadly enough though I'm just going to wake up Saturday morning just like every other individual my age and go on with the rest of my life. Telling myself that its better to have companions like the ones I had tonight, for I'm having to wait for a reason. Some purpose in life is in the process of evolving. Last question: What do you tell yourself?

Mmm..College

2005-04-06T21:05:00.000-04:00

That's a happy "Mmmm" by the way. Today I am now set on what I'm going to be taking in the Fall. And to make it even better I did it all by myself. All the nervousness, etc. and not knowing exactly what to do and I still went and did everything by myself. May not be a big feat for many but for me it kinda is in a way. I'll be taking class every Tuesday and Thursday from 8:00-12:15 and then come back at 2:00-4:45. The rest of the week I have off to work, study, do whatever I deem worthy, which is just plain awesome and I can't wait. The classes include: Music Appreciation, Elemantary Spanish 2, Intro to Human Comm., and then at 2:00 Math1111 College Algebra which I might not even have to take due to Ap Cal but if I do I decided to take the higher level of the lower math choices in case I decide to go into a business major or even serious pursue my dream of opening a restaurant, and then last but not least American Government. Its funny cause the guy teaching the class just happened to be the guy that was helping me register for classes. He was really cool. All together that's 16 hours which is what I was aiming for but if its too much I can always drop at the beginning. Now I can't wait until AP classes are over. That's the last thing I seriously got to worry about which is really nice. I can't believe that my future is pretty much set at this point. I have a car, my getting my license soon, school is practically set, and I have a job once I get back from Florida after graduation. And then my 18th birthday is in June. Life couldn't get any better. I just wanna get high school over with so I can start. The only thing I'll miss is Mrs. Bogans, Mrs. Phillips, and Mrs. Selick, and all my friends. God man why can't they come with me. Just fit in my purse and always just be there. That would be so nice.

Spring Break

2005-04-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

All I did today was be plain lazy. Ok, I did work on Cal. a little while and I helped with dinner some, and this evening I've driven myself crazy trying to plan for Wesnesday's Orientation thing at Gainesville. Speaking of, I can't wait till I get that over with. I've printed out so much crap and I'm still not exactly sure what the heck I'm doing. I'm probably not the only one. Friends and others tell me things will be fine, but regardless I still feel anxious, excited, and nervous.
I was suppose to go to a club thingy for the first time Sunday night but things came up and my friend whom I was going with and who was also my ride was not able to come. Disappointing but tomorrow we're going to go out and hang at one of his friend's house with several other people I'm sure I'm don't know. But honestly I enjoy meeting new people, or knowing that I can be crazy cause I'll probably never see the people again. Either way its all good. Jason (one and only friend in Flowery Branch) is coming over Friday hopefully since he had to back out coming today. Sometime this Break I wanna go see a movie so I might go then. Don't know what I wanna see though....Oh! I now own The Notebook. If you haven't seen you need to...everybody needs to see that movie. Its the best romantic movie that's come along since Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, etc. Love It! To Wrap up and Update on the prom incident...I did get the guts to ask the guy and no he is not going because he doesn't even want to go to prom. But I have every reason to believe that a guy I had previously been asked by who found out about this whole situation stuck his big fat mouth in and corrupted his decision due to bitter feelings which I apologized for. Yes, me, I know...apologizing. Either way his not going. All is not lost though for the same friend that I'm going out with tomorrow asked me to prom. His technically bringing his cus along but only because she wants to get into our prom for she knows some people that attend our school. Still, I'm going to have fun and can't wait until graduation! Which reminds me I need to start on invitations. Well I written way to much as always. Chao.

People change

2005-03-30T22:49:00.000-05:00

Its amazing how in such a short time the people you thought to be your friends can quickly turn into someone you never even recognized. It truly hurts my heart deeply. I'm glad I know now just wish I could've found out without having to get hurt. I also wish that it was first nature to put others before yourself. That people would be willing to do something for the betterment of someone else even if that means a little sacrifice from one's self. That would be nice. As a matter of fact it is nice.

Crushes and such

2005-03-23T20:46:00.000-05:00

I'm so silly. As of the past month or so I've had this relentless crush on a boy. One that I thought I would never have because first of all I'm kinda taken a break on relationships right now. Secondly, because he goes to my school. His a Winder boy. But then again his not because his originally from another country. What makes it so silly is that I've made it into one of these I'm going to stare at you all the time because your so good looking, and I'm going to giggle everytime I talk about you behind your back. It's ridiculous. Yet in a way I think I do it because I like it. Its fun in that well its a crush and I enjoy that burst of lust I get every now and then. My friends I know think oh its no big deal, but crazy enough it is a big deal to me. Him being in my of my classes has resulted in both my staring and thinking of him increasing. Which probably is not needed for he seems to have more than enough confidence, yet at times I think that's just a front because his easily embarrassed and at times can be just as silly as the rest of us. Maybe its more of his confidence in his looks than his personality. Nonetheless, his smart to obviously have the goals he does, his athletic (which I wish I was more of), and he has this really sweet demeanor about him.

Anyway, moving on, the such part of this blog is prom. I still don't have a date. And I know, why don't you ask this guy? Well, its not that easy. I don't know if he asked someone. If his even going. I'm not about to ask him cause that is WAY too obvious. I'm so cotton pickin picky that there's really no one at my school I would like to go with. And the person I tired to get to go with me wasn't able because he had relationship ties that held him back. Otherwise I know without a doubt he would have gone. So here I am...What am I going to? Honestly, unless something interesting or nothing less than a miracle happens I'm going by myself. Which to me isn't all that bad. Going by myself to me would some more profound than walking in with a date. To look as good as I'm going to and walk in just me would look like...(Awe sound). I'm more of a solo person anyway. I work rooms better. Feel more confident. I'm able to be my flirtaous, crazy self. Which I like. Still, it would be nice to have someone who would dance, have a light humorous attitude, and both be willing and able to do something afterwards. Someone I could be myself around with no weird pauses. That someone is nonexistent as far as I'm concerned. Which is sad. I wish my uncle was younger and lived in GA cause then I would be taking him. lol. God I just wish someone half way decent and slightly compatible with me would freakin come along. But I have a feelin that won't be for a while.

The greatest

2005-03-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

My uncle is exactly right as always I think thats one of the things I'm missing. I just need a little more confidence. Gonna work on that.

My Idea

2005-03-12T22:55:00.000-05:00

..about relationships and love and sex are changing. I feel like I'm in this gray area. It's weird the occurrences that I've come across the past several weeks. Its like I'm trying to be told something. Tonight I finally got to see my dad. It had been way too long since I had seen him last. We went to go see a movie; I picked out Hitch. And man that movie is so true. Everything that is said about girls, guys, relationships. So true.

And bittersweetly every time one of these occurrences come up I think of one person. Those who know me, you know. I honestly think that this person was by first love. Not Ric whom I grew up with and think of quite fondly. No, I was too young then to fall in love. But yeah, every time I always think about him and how we fought, how much I cared for him. Just like Hitch and his girl, it was that one relationship that kinda throws you off track. Makes you not want to have a guy hangin around. Its probably the reason I don't have a prom date or feel the major need to have one. The reason I say I don't want a guy. Or that when a guy does ask me out I feel apprehensive. When before I never felt that way. I would try everything once. Never felt like saying no. Not that no is a bad thing. But still. I used to not feel this way.

Honestly I dream and crave for something like that. When the lights are out and I'm not filling my mind with busy thoughts I miss not having someone hold me or kiss me. Yet I also feel that I can't let someone that close to me. Its something I'm dying for yet steer myself away from. Its crazy I know. But I know I'm in transition. For the better. Hopefully.

AP Lit

2005-03-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

Due to this remarkable class I have been inspired and pushed to expand my knowledge of other exceptional literature. My favorite so far I think would have to be Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston. As of recently though I was referred to the world of Aloce Walker. Because I couldn't put my hands on The Color Purple at the time I picked the next best thing: Meridian. I must say that I'm not disappointed in the least. I thought I would never run into a book as profound as Hurston's, but Walker has proven that thought completely wrong. Though it may the most sexual book I've ever read it has made quite an impact on me. It has brought my ideas/thoughts about relationships with other races, sex, and relationships in general into a new light. I highly recommend this book for anyone. Not for the reasons I've mentioned, for looking at it from a different view point different lessons and points can be made out of this book. From my stand point it takes on different forms and is very relateable (if thats even a word). So yeah. Good book. Moving, thought provoking, just plain great. So read it. now. hurry. Its good.

Anger

2005-03-07T21:10:00.000-05:00

Everything I'm feeling right now can all be referred back to the previous post Chitsa. The only thing at this point that would be different is that I'd like to hurt someone because I have quite a bit of anger built up. Other than the living situation (with whom I live) my life is great. How ironic is it that the only people that make me angry in this world are the one's I live with?

Friendly Support

2005-02-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry I know, two blogs in one day, I must be pretty bored, but I've been thinking about this certain person and their situation and since I can't sleep I'll write. Rather type. For those of you who don't know I've gained only one friend while moving/living in Flowery Branch. This person has been kind, understanding, and a true friend even though we've only known each other for a short while. Until last night it had been a quite a while since we had talked. Prior to last night, convos had consisted of his feelings/thoughts, about his parents, college, and his life. I knew that he was having a hard time and that he was in the middle of a transition in his life. This is nothing new to me for my life seems to be constantly changing as well as the other young adults I hang with and know of. Yet last night's five minute aim convo for some reason caught me off guard and put him in a new light for me. He told me that he had dropped out of college for the time being. Here he is working his ass off trying to save up to get a really nice car and/or what other plans he might have. Taking actions since he got in a bad car wreck. Then his parents aren't perfect, and have their things like every other family. Yet compared to my world he has it worse than I do in the parent area. Now he has takin yet another step by dropping out of college. At first I thought, to be honest, that that was the most stupid thing he could've done. I had already heard how he wasn't sure about what he wanted to do with his life. Where he was heading. But dang that, to me, was a drastic thing to do. For many people once you drop off you never get back on. But after considering all aspects I think his really mature for making that decision for himself. He thought about it for a while, sat down and talked with his parents, and everything. His still working and being responsible. Still taking whatever consequences for his actions. Which is really mature. Something I'm not even sure I could do. I mean no pity, just admiration. To do what he has done over the last several months takes some guts and bravery. So, Jason, if by chance you read this. I'm proud of you. I believe in you (as cheesy as it might sound I do). I hope that the time you take for however long you feel you need to take is a productive, inspriational, what have you, period in your life. As you already know I'm here for you and wish you the best in life.

P.S. get better soon.

Hopeless Romantic

2005-02-27T21:33:00.000-05:00

Ok so I finally got to see The Notebook which probably all of America has already seen, and needless to say it was wonderful. If only I knew a guy all that. I've already learned through past experiences that if a guy truly loves you and cares for you he'll first pursue you as the lead male character did in this particular movie, so I don't think that that was Hollywood making up another fairy tale. He'll be crazy in love with you, give you many kisses, hold your hand, make you feel as comfortable as this young actress portrays. Maybe not exactly the same way, but that that deep of a love could exist. That it can make miracles. And just as it was said in the movie you never forget your first love. I'm not sure if I've had my first love quite yet. To be honest there's only two people I constantly think of in that way. One I've known since 6th grade, and I still am good friends with. Deep down though I don't see us together, not for the rest of my life. Though he'll always be my first standard, for he is the only person who knows my looks, laughs, gestures, and what I'm thinking. I tend to want to say that there will be another person out there like that. Someone who will *want* to know me that well. Someone that will be crazy about me and vice versa.

I also finally watched The Village, and as one minor character said in the movie its funny the two people love decides to stick together. I think that relates mainly to the other guy I mentioned. Never in a hundred years would I have seen myself with this individual but I think love had its way somewhat. For I can only attest to the love I had in the relationship. He is the only person I have kissed on my bed. The only person I became as intimate with. And no it wasn't much, but for me it doesn't have to be. Outside of that he was quiet. Looking back he really didn't communicate all that much with me. About his feelings and thoughts. I think that's because partially he wants to be understood like me. He wants someone that knows him enough that there's doesn't have to be some big discussion to figure things out. I understand that. But I also know that's something that has to be grown into.

He was great for a moment there. He really was. I was in love for a time. Sometimes things aren't meant to be. Just as in The Notebook her second encounter with love. I wonder if and when I'll ever run into him later in life. What will happen? What will be said? But the reality side of me says that you can't hold on so to those questions and thoughts. You don't know who or what is going to happen. You can only flow with the current you're on. Which to be honest totally sucks. Yet when love does choose you it is the best feeling ever. I wish it would come again. Soon.

Brenau (AGD)

2005-02-21T21:34:00.000-05:00

Man I know I've said it like a million trillion times but dude I really wanna go there. Today I came home with some great memories. ALPHA GAMMA DELTA RULES! Tomorrow I'll be mailing off two more scholarships. So far haven't heard from any of the other one I've applied for. : ( But I still haven't lost hope. I only wish I had everyone's aim screen name. Kinda afraid to ask when I left since we only spent two days together, but heck yeah man those girls are awesome. I felt completely at home by that evening. Especially with Jessica. It really sucks I didn't get to tell her goodbye. I can tell we hit it off really well. She's awesome. I can tell we're going to be close. That is if I go there which I'm hoping, and wishin, and prayin...(sounds like...) jk, seriously I'm keepin on keepin on cause thats all I can do at this point. They all know how badly I wanna be there. Just gotta come up with the moolah. Which really sucks. But as always God will provide what is needed and if its meant to be it will be. (I hope its to be, ppplllleeeaaassseeee!!!!) Nightie

Vincent Rosse

2005-02-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

Though Mr. Bryant (my band director at WB) will forever be on a
pedestal in my eyes Vincent Rosse is right up there with him. I'm not sure if its because of this being my last year, but deep down I felt a connection with him just as I do Mr. B. I've been extremely
blessed to have such awe inspiring role models in my life. As I move on farther away from high school in my unforeseen life they will forever be in the back of my mind; their energy in my heart, cheering me on, keeping me somewhat wise. They have left a lasting impression in my life. One that I hope never to forget. I look forward and am eager to meet the others ahead. Though they'll never know how drastically they have influenced mine as well as many other student's lives I only pray that as they put their head's on their pillow each night they know they are blessed and loved by many.

First Opera

2005-02-15T19:59:00.000-05:00

I'll be attending my very first opera tomorrow. I can't wait its going to be great! Its Puccini's La Boheme. Its a love story overlying the French Bohemian world during the late 19th century. Yet some of you may know it as the modern broadway version Rent. I'm so lucky to be able to do this. Its something I've always dreamed of doing. I only wish it was more formal, late at night, and with some special. Nevertheless, I'm sure enjoy it and hopeful am touched to tears. : ) Sorry hopeless romantic.

Chitsa

2005-02-05T16:33:00.000-05:00

I'm hard. I wanna run away. To a far off place by myself. Where only music is what I need to live. I don't have to trust anyone. Waste my breath communicating to someone who truely doesn't care about me, want to understand, or feel my soul and spirit. I don't want to marry because if the people who are suppose to love and cherish me more than anyone in the world are fake then why would anyone else be any different. The majority of the people in the world are too wrapped up in themselves to listen or touch someone. Why should it be anyone's cause to stress themselves to think of the words to say? The words that would be kind, helpful, revolutionary. Or if not the words, the actions. Why give a hug anymore. If people are always going to let you down, push you down, rip you apart...then why should I push myself out there to love and want to be loved in return? No one truely cares. Not a single one. I'm not going to put myself out there anymore. My heart and feelings can't take it. It's going to have to take quite a bit for someone pry me open ever again. As far as I'm concerned I'm all I've got.

Those who think they know me, you don't. You don't know or even begin to understand the things I've seen or heard. You think only child, spoiled. She's pretty and smart, she's happy. There's a lot your still missing. Behind closed doors.

Late Night Blah Blah

2005-02-04T23:58:00.000-05:00

You can now comment again for those of you who truely care about my well being. I also added a little list of things to my profile that you may or may not care to check out. I've also recieved my prom dress in the mail yesterday. All I'm going to say is that I'm going to look HOT! (Leaving the details a secret till the grand revealing, lol.) Its really beautiful. And the jewelry is awesome. My uncle is the best in the world. Without a doubt he is a great person in every way. He is my Mary Poppins. Tonight was my last basketball band game forever and ever. I'll truely miss it. The class of 05' knows how to have some fun. And straying wayyyy off the subject I'd like to give some advice...if you have a friend who likes, is dating, etc. a person who you know is not for them please tell them. Please save them the trouble, heartache, and drama of finding it out themselves the hard way. Additionally, if some guy you thought who might be interested in you and/or vice versa has to repeatedly tell you he'll call (or anything similar) but he never does please do not waste your time. If a guy seriously is worth your time he'll make the effort. I know, simple lessons. But it never hurts to review. Other than that I'm too tired to think of anything else to write. Have a safe and jocund weekend.

Friends Forever

2005-01-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

I know real cheesy title. Let me just get to the point. I've just returned from Savannah after having a great time and being iced in an extra day I must say that this weekend has been awesome. We got there performed (I was REAL nervous for some reason..got myself I'll worked up). Second performance the next morning was tons better as far as my nerves were concerned. Both performances I believe to be pretty good. Got to see my oh-so-very-beloved friend Rebekah who I haven't seen or heard from since May 20 of last year. Really missed that chick. Kindred spirit. The Atlanta Youth Symphony orchestra was the first concert I've ever laid my ears upon that had strings. They played Four Scottish tunes that were arranged in movements, Prelude and something a 'nother Leibstod (which happens to be my most favorite song ever that I've played in my entire high school career so far..played crash cymbals my freshman year..great opera I'm sure), and the Planets. It was an awesome concert. From that point on I've decided that if not percussion I would choose any string instrument over a horn anyday. Strings just capture the passion and emotion in a piece its wonderful. referring to the odd title...I also had a good deal of bonding time with my friends Caitlin and Heather. All three of us enjoy each other company a great deal which undoubtedly results in us having the best time. We had a brief discussion about keeping in touch after graduating. We agreed that at least every month we would get together to eat out or something. Either way we would make time for each other which I hope is true. That in the future I will hold on to my valuable ties with these girls. They mean quite a bit to me. I can't wait to develop my pictures. Well, need to work on thank you cards for those thoughtful souls who wrote me references for scholarships. Night.

Busy Bee

2005-01-27T21:53:00.000-05:00

Leaving for Savannah tomorrow for the GMEA Convention. We the percussionists of Winder Barrow High School have worked extremely hard for the preformance. Fun much is to be had both in and out of performance character. I'm tired cause its a busy week, but happy cause I've not only got everything taken care of to leave but I've applied to another scholarship. Another that again I feel good about. We'll see...

I like being busy. Even though it kills me.

College stress

2005-01-26T22:10:00.000-05:00

As of recently I've received an e-mail from Brenau about housing information, and moving on with the whole process of attending school there. The only thing is I'm still not sure I can afford it. I mean I applied to about twenty scholarships and not one so far has gotten back to me. I'm having to patiently wait on my step-dad to fill out the FAFSA due to all the tax information. Which is really stressing me out. Still, as always, the women at Brenau make me feel a lot better. The head counselor e-mailed me back saying that she understood, and that I was doing all I could. To not worry...Just fill out the FAFSA and then later we'll all sit down and look over my financial package. God I have never wanted something so bad. I'll honestly be really depressed if I'm not able to go. I mean the people there are the greatest. When I went to visit the girls showing me around were so real. Not like the people recruiting students to their college, but they were real down-to-earth nice people. Makes me want to get the heck away from high school and just spend all my time with them. For money to hold me back is so freaken aggravating. I would eat dirt just to go there. How many could say that?.....

I just really want this. Right along with scoring exceptable scores on my AP tests I really want to go to Brenau.

New Indie Music

2005-01-19T19:16:00.000-05:00

If you haven't heard of them already the Low Millions are great. They're an indie band with a good sound and vibe. The lead singer/ song writer is adam cohen who I've personally fallin for. Not only because his musical but because he also sings in French and was born in Montreal. So a lot of culture there, which I like. You can hear a good many songs from either his band or solo album by visiting either lowmillions.com or adamcohen.com. Enjoy!

Vegetarian

2005-01-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

Its been a month so far since I began eating as a vegetarian for the second time (I do eat chicken though but that's it I swear). By the way, I was told that there was a type of vegetarian's where the only meat you could eat is chicken. Learned something new. I really like it this time though. To make sure I'm eating as I should and help around the house I've cooked a little. Which is really enjoyable. I kind of miss cooking. I never knew I could cook this well. Tonight I cooked Spanish Tortillas. Tortillas in Spanish means omelet. Brown some bell pepper, onions, potatoes. Throw in some garlic, six eggs, 3 egg whites, salt and pepper. Let it sit for a few minutes then put it in the oven on broil until brown or desired. Its very good. Got me to thinking that yeah I should be a chef or something. Wait no...after graduate school and settling somewhat I could start my own restaurant. How cool is that? My very own corner in the world that others could enjoy, and not have to suffer by eating poorly. I must admit that a major reason I came up with such an idea was from the inspiration I got from one of my own favorite restaurants: the Grit located in Downtown of Athens, GA. Great place with a great atmosphere. Love love love. Learned that you could actually EAT and fill full and still be a vegetarian. Been eating there for approximately 3 or 4 years now. Hear that its owned by R.E.M.'s lead singer which makes it even cooler. Oh, the Coach Carter movie. Highly suggest seeing it. Very good movie. A feel good movie for anyone except racist. Check it out. Been lookin for prom dresses. Got my main man Uncle Jon down in Florida helpin me out. He found one today where there's only two in the world in my size, crazy. His going to work on that to have it sent to me. See how that goes, but lately I've had my heart set on a Jovani dress. Love his style. We'll have to see cause the lookin is definitely not over. This year I wanna go POW. Something nobody thought I'd be sexy enough to wear. I'm gonna blow it up. I'm so lookin forward to this year's prom. No, no date. Too picky. Don't want strings attached and I someone who will freaken dance with me (that means the guy leads). Thinkin I just might go myself with some friends. I think that would be hot. Be like...ooo, can't touch this. hahaha. Ok, I know this is already a butt load long but I haven't written a while and I still wanna write about my car opportunity that's come up. Next door to where my mom lives a guy is wanting to sell his Thunderbird. Everything is in really good condition considering its an 85. Its been his baby for years. The only thing that's turned me off so far is the gas/mileage. Its like half that of my mom's civic. MMMMM...don't know. Haven't looked at it only heard the details from my step dad. Its exciting though. Been lookin for a job...got turned down from one. :( But everyone keeps telling me I'll find one, and I'm sure I will since there's tons more businesses around here. Just a matter of time.

B-Ball

2005-01-08T00:07:00.000-05:00

Basketball is so great. Sometimes I think I just might like it better than football which is hard to believe, but I think I just might. Man I had a good time tonight. : )

Growing up

2005-01-06T20:48:00.000-05:00

As a child I used to think that adults knew everything. That I couldn't wait until I was 16 and able to drive. Or even better to be 18, so that I could be on my own. Its so ironic looking at life now. I've had to deal with the disappointment of finding out for myself that my dad or mom will never be able to reach my ideal expectation of what I thought they should be since I was a child. Realizing that just because I want them to change for the better doesn't mean they will. I have to except them for who they are. That even though people graduate it doesn't completely (or even at all for that matter) mean they are "adults" or "mature" and make the right decisions about things. Basically I've learned the lesson of empathy. I've found that there are people my age more mature than forty year olds. That just because your smart and may be a professional at a subject doesn't mean that your the brightest apple of the bunch. It's so funny how life works. How people change. What makes people become who they are. Makes me all the more aware of the people I want to surround myself with in my future, and the person I want to be.

Blowin Stream

2004-12-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah
I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you crying about?
You got me

Hailie I know you miss your mom and I know you miss your dad
Well I'm gone but I'm trying to give you the life that I never had
I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry
Cuz you're scared, I ain't there?
Daddy's with you in your prayers
No more crying, wipe them tears
Daddy's here, no more nightmares
We gon' pull together through it, we gon' do it
Laney uncles crazy, aint he?
Yeah but he loves you girl and you better know it
We're all we got in this world
When it spins, when it swirls
When it whirls, when it twirls
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it's confusing you
Daddy's always on the move, mamma's always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it but somehow it seems
The harder that I try to do that, the more it backfires on me
All the things growing up his daddy that he had to see
Daddy don't want you to see but you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way, your mother and me
But things have gotten so bad between us
I don't see us ever being together ever again
Like we used to be when we was teenagers
But then of course everything always happens for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it's just something we have no control over and that's what destiny is
But no more worries, rest your head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we'll wake up and this will all just be a dream

[Chorus]
Now hush little baby, don't you cry
Everything's gonna be alright
Stiffen that upper lip up little lady, i told ya
Daddy's here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy's not here right now and we don't know why
We feel how we feel inside
It may seem a little crazy, pretty baby
But i promise momma's gon' be alright

It's funny
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree and said some of 'em were from me
Cuz daddy couldn't buy 'em
I'll never forget that Christmas I sat up the whole night crying
Cuz daddy felt like a bum, see daddy had a job
But his job was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in
Either kept getting broke into and robbed
Or shot up on the block and your mom was saving money for you in a jar
Tryna start a piggy bank for you so you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your momma's heart
And it seemed like everything was just startin' to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguin' a lot so momma moved back
On the Chalmers in the flat one bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 Mile on Novara
And that's when daddy went to California with his CD and met Dr. Dre
And flew you and momma out to see me
But daddy had to work, you and momma had to leave me
Then you started seeing daddy on the T.V. and momma didn't like it
And you and Laney were to young to understand it
Papa was a rollin' stone, momma developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I'm just sorry you were there and had to witness it first hand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I'm sittin in this empty house, just reminiscing
Lookin' at your baby pictures, it just trips me out
To see how much you both have grown, it's almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy's still here
Laney I'm talkin' to you too, daddy's still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It's got a ring to it don't it?
Shh, momma's only gone for the moment

[Chorus]

And if you ask me too
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
I'mma give you the world
I'mma buy a diamond ring for you
I'mma sing for you
I'll do anything for you to see you smile
And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'mma break that birdies neck
I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)

Its hard man. Wanna freaken hit somethin hard. Just wanna happy away from her away from him. Ugh. And tears drop..

'05

2004-12-28T21:28:00.000-05:00

The year I graduate. I'm half-n-half. I feel like Yes! I'm graduating..I'm so ready to get away from here. Excited about whats around the corner. Then again I feel like I did when I turned 16 and was old enough to drive..I'm not ready for this. I'm not big enough to drive. My legs are too short..I'm not tall enough. Yet in this situation its more like...I'm seriously going to be leaving..away from all that I've ever known. I'm not in the same house anymore so its not like I'll still be in the same type of environment. Just these last few days of Holiday Break I kinda have started to miss certain people. Wanna call them up, but I'm not sure as to what I'd say exactly. Don't really have anything major to talk about...just wanna be around them..hear their voice. It'll be hard after May 20 when I'll hardly if ever see these people again. So here comes 2005 as well as many other changes...more important to me than moving. I hope that this turns out to be a great year. That I have my wits about me enough to make it a good year. That I'll finally be able to ride independently on my own, and see new friends that I plan to make here, and do the things I enjoy doing(seeing movies, sitting around in Barnes and Nobles of hours, etc.)...on my own without wrecking. That I'll responsibly handle my love life if at all possible. That many special people come into my life and inspire me and stretch me, help to mold me, teach me to be a more liberal and interesting person. That my educational dreams are achieved. That I hear from someone that I haven't heard from in a very long time. Blah, blah, blah....all in all that I get a step closer to reaching my dreams. I know its cheesie, but can you blame me. Happy New Year everybody!

Done in time for X-mas

2004-12-26T20:21:00.000-05:00

All the moving around is finally done thank god. I don't wanna do that again for a while. At least not until it's me moving out on my own. haha. I like my room. But I love having my own bathroom. I can get ready so much faster having everything in one place where I need it, not where someone thinks it's a good place to put my things. And the privacy. I have been deprived. I hope all my friends and relatives had a great X-mas. I have. I got some PJ's that are plaid...very comfortable and very Scottish. Tons of chocolate...mmmm. You can never have enough. Money mainly which is what I asked for. : ) I also got my own TV and VHS/DVD player and of course who could live without ABBA Gold. Yes folks, ABBA is it. Nah, but I do really like them though. Thanks to my ever so esteemed Uncle Jon. So my question is...Was Santa good to you? What happened your X-mas day? And what are you doing for New Years?

Move Continued

2004-12-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

Got half of my crap moved. Tons more to go. My bathroom is done though. In a French theme. I like it a lot. More later.

The Move

2004-12-20T18:10:00.000-05:00

Got up way early this morning to attend the closing procedure of my new house. Very boring, and the lawyer was exactly what the majority of the population believes lawyers to be. Blood sucking buttheads. He gives people like me a bad rep. : ) jk. We started preparing the house for moving. My room is a tad bit smaller than the room I have now. Has a tray ceiling. A window where the lights shones in so perfectly casting a shadow on the wall. My bathroom tile is beautiful. Forgot what kind it was exactly but its white with a marble, I guess you would say, look to it. Only it's not shiny, more like stone. With a light gray border. Pretty. The carpet throughout the house is a grayish brown. I like it a lot. Helped mom pick it out. The kitchen floor also has that grayish look of stone but with a whitish background. The kitchen cabinets are cherry. And appliances are white. Man I can't wait before everything is finally done I can just sit back and enjoy having a new house. That includes having some friends over so they can enjoy it with me. : )

Quiz from Javan

2004-12-19T22:15:00.000-05:00

You scored as Catholic.

Catholic

90%

Christian

80%

Buddhist

75%

Jewish

60%

Cult

55%

Anarchist

55%

Religion
created with QuizFarm.com

Thats funny cause as of recantly I've been thinking about taking Catholic classes sooner or later to learn what it's truely all about. Wow.

Question(s)? Why did my side bar bump all the way down like that? How do you get the media player on the side bar? And how do I get my title font downsized?

Make nice

2004-12-19T18:03:00.000-05:00

It was a typical teenager reaction on my part eariler. Something I'm not proud of. Though I am 17. No one's perfect. Your just a boy. I'm just a girl. My expectations run high. Can't demand an apology. But I can give one. I'm sorry.

No title

2004-12-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

I couldn't believe what I was seeing
Faces all screwed up like what I'd done
I didn't mean to hurt you so much
I knew it would hurt you but not like this
We all make a mess from time to time dear
But it'll take me a lifetime to get this cleared
Somebody muttered something under their breath
But I let on like I was a little deaf
Nobody's perfect that's what I say
No one has hurt me so much you say
I'm sorry
Running away seemed like the easy
Thing to do because I wanted time
To put a smile back on my dour face
For once nothing's missing and I feel fine
I was afraid to tell you some things
But some things all find a way to get told
Hearing it from the lips of somebody else
Must have knocked the wind out of your sweet chest
-On/Off-Snow Patrol

It has gotten to my head/Permeates the path I tread/But I tread, I'm moving on in a new and happy dong/I can sing about the night, how my tunnel without light/ led me to the other side where the sky is blue/It's all I can do to not let them ruin me/I will not let them ruin me/I will not let them ruin me again/There is fire inside the tree/Flames of knowing kissing me/I have waited long to see a sign from you/It's all i can do to not let them ruin me/I will not let them ruin me/I will not let them ruin me again
-Moving On-Sixpence None The Richer

Painless

2004-12-18T22:54:00.000-05:00

Well I just got back from eating an ice cream with my dad. Again never too old for that either. No we didn't talk about the moving/living situation but we did talk about prom dresses, and he showed me this yard lit up, and I mean lit up, with X-mas lights. I asked him who lived there and he said two gay men, which makes it even better. I swear they had to pay a fortune for all that decoration. It was great! If you live in Winder its on City Pond road, and if you go straight past behind the high school its the second subdivision on the right (Cider Oaks I think) and the house is on the first left corner. You can't miss it.

As far as the living/moving situation by mother and I talked it out today, and so far the consensus is to stay flexible at first and see how things work out. My mother, to help ease my stress by giving me another opinion in where I could stay until she could come get me, was with the Gilstraps. Know for those of you who don't know I met Ric Gilstrap when in sixth grade, and he was my bf's at the time (if you could call it that considering its sixth grade) best friend. We had band class together and blah blah blah. All in all we adored each other and have been good friends ever since. His family calls me the-girl-that-does-no-wrong if that's tells you anything. I love them. Each and every one of them. And his mom even said, "Why didn't you think/ask of us before?" when my mom called her to ask if it was ok. There are great people, my families, as well as my life, would be at a great loss without them. Still, my mother and I agreed that we all (including John my step dad) should sit down and communicate about expectations and decisions being made about the whole living/moving situation. And that I personally can not deal with each of them giving me grief when they aren't getting along. Especially during this transitional time. So yeah things are looking up in that dramatic episode. I would like to thank everybody Javan, Faye, and those of you who care so much as to leave a kind word of support/advice. It means a lot to me. It made me feel so much better. Thank you.

Sweet Words

2004-12-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

My song then....
Baby, Baby, don't try to play me/You know somethin's wrong/That's why I'm not talkin to you/ Baby, baby, don't even fake it/You have broke my heart/And there's nothing you can do/I tried to call you, just the other day/And your own sister told me/Someone was talkin my place, oh/You wouldn't come to the phone/She forgot to put on hold/And I can't believe what I heard What I heard in your very own words

How could you call her baby
How old she be your lady
Thought you were mine
Though I was yours
How could you call her sweetheart
How come you're breakin my heart
How could you so wrong

Baby, baby, hear what I'm sayin/I am not your fool/You should see me now as gone/Baby, baby, you must think I'm crazy/I will not come back/I feel I have been too wronged/Don't try call me, cause I don't have the time/I'll be much, much too busy/Hangin out with friends of mine, oh/If we meet in the street/You should not even bother to speak/Cause I still hear the words in my head/Those are some words I will never forget

Chorus

Boy you owe me an apology/Just not look for forgiveness from me/And I tried my best to understand/But I've done for you all that can/If I ever see you in the street/Just forget that you ever know me (me:cause you don't know me anymore)/Cause I still hear the words in my head/Those are some words I will never forget

Chorus
-Shanna Written by: Babyface
My song now...
For the longest time I searched high above the sky to find the one for me,/Sweet birds guided my limbs and told me it was purely destiny/A few clouds came my way,and suddenly came the break of day/And it was you,only you then I gave my love to you

And I gave my love to you
And I gave my love to you
And my rivers flowed for you
And my rivers, my sweet rivers flowed for you
Please don't tear my heart in two
Please don't tear my heart into two
As I give my love you
As I give my love to you, as I open wide for you

Sailing cautiously without knowing that my reality will soon come/ Strong winds brought me from my high, I drifted gradually from my ride/Touching down, kissing grounds, it's you that I look for/Let's be two my baby, as I give my love to you

Chorus

Tender lover, blow your cover, release emotions/For there's no other but us two/Give it to me and I'll, I'll give it to you/Discover trust in my sweet caress/Female sunshine and nothing less/Justa touch from my hand, and infinite warmth from my man/Yea gonna make you mine, yea till the end of time/Cause I'm open wide with so little to do/Simply put I live my life for ryou/Give it to me and I'll give it to you

Chorus
-Sonja Marie written by: Babyface/Sonja Marie

Aaawww...

2004-12-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

Man taking a walk helps a lot. Its just hard to make myself get up and do it.

Torn

2004-12-17T09:13:00.000-05:00

I never really talk about what its like being an only child of two divorced parents, but for the first time I am putting it out there. First, there's a lot to understand, its a very complex situation. To know why any of the people in my family act and think the way they do. But in this certain situation I'm going to skip over all that mess because I feel as though you can do without it and still help me make a decision. As I stated earlier I'm going to be staying with my dad soon due to the whole moving thing. This was my idea because I'm a daddy girl, or at least I was, and I don't want to commute all the way from Flowery Branch. Well last night my mom lit into me because she thinks I'm telling daddy about her and her business. When its quite the contrary as of late. I've just stopped using him as an outlet because I think I've finally realized that it does me no good that in the end he doesn't help me at all. Well, as the yelling calms down and John is asked by mom to take part in the conversation I finally figure out why she thinks I've been telling daddy stuff. She said that at the concert he said that she needed to call him about something, and that the way he did it was the bad part he so called pointed his finger at her and said with a scrowl on his face to call him. She thought well why not talk about it now, so she "nicely" pursued him to find out. Resulting in him getting mad for some reason. Now I used to have a hard time after the divorce whenever they would encounter each other. Whether it was at a band concert or him simply picking me up on the weekend. I would get tense and quiet and defensive. Mom took notice and they tried to make it better. Well I guess now that I'm older they try not so much. Now I know my mom might seem weird to some people but all in all I believe she has my best interest at heart. She's always took care of my every need. Then again I don't feel as though I can talk to her like I can my dad. I could tell my dad something that I did wrong or how I almost got in trouble (some things) or my feelings with about a guy and he would just sit there and listen. In the end telling me that he loves me but rarely giving me the advice I seek. Why is that? Well my dad is not the smartest apple in the bunch. If I told my mom she would dictate the conversation and freak out. Too much stress for an outlet. Big turn off. So in the end I'm questioning whether I should stay with my dad at all. It'll probably cause more drama for me to get yelled at about. But then again it will really disappoint my dad. I mean really...he'll probably get pretty mad at me. Take it as if I'm siding with my mom, which I kinda am. Either way its a sacrifice. And I'm not sure what to do.

Please leave a comment please...

2004-12-16T18:50:00.000-05:00

For cryin out loud! Leave a comment! I already have like 15 people come and look but I have no idea who's looking! Don't know if your a friend, someone I know, or a total stranger. Please just leave a comment. It would make me very happy.

Ok, now that that's out of the way. Sam your funny. I feel special you want to know who I am so much then again I have had the most boring day so I'm kinda desperate for human contact.

chuck

2004-12-16T13:22:00.000-05:00

As you may notice I have a link below entitled Fortune Cookies and Love. Its a blog of this guy named Chuck, and being the romantic softy that i am I really enjoy his posts. Leading me to the point...I noticed that he had stopped and wasn't moving on with his stories. So not so shy little me decided I would e-mail him. I did and he e-mailed me back thanking me for the compliment, an has in fact started with another post. So I highly suggest visiting his blog and I hope it inspires you somewhat with any relationship you might have at the moment. As well as giving you a better idea as to what kind of person I am.

Audio1

2004-12-16T13:01:00.000-05:00

2004-12-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

God I'm so going to miss moments like this...

Well then..

2004-12-15T20:21:00.000-05:00

I guess I should start writing. I guess the personally delicate reason I started this blog was to find a way to let my inner self out. Find a way to express myself somehow. Why make it public? Not exactly sure why I feel the need to make it public, just feel the need.

So Christmas is coming up. Gifts. Family. Holiday cheer. I'm looking forward to having a good time. That is moving. Yep, folks, I'm moving. Today my mom and John had a walk through and everything they said looked really good. Yet the disappointing aspect is that I'll only have the weekends to enjoy. I've already promised my dad I'd stay with him, and I'm not completely sure I wanna travel all that way for school. All that drama aside I'm excited about living in house in which I have my bathroom. Everytime I mention having my own bathroom it feels kinda nasty to know that I share a bathroom with my mom and John. Then again I've been doing it all my life, and I'm a clean person. So there.

I also have a lot of questions about this whole blogging thing. First, after downloading Hello how in the crap do you get the picture on the blog website?...if I wanted to have a side column with favorite links or music how do I create that on my site? If ya have any suggestions or comments please help me. Until then my page looks too clean.

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